


Give Me Hope

by cardita



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, High School, Living Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 11:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12863424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardita/pseuds/cardita
Summary: High School is difficult, especially when you are forced to move in with your crush. This is what happens to Phil Lester, but his crush is not the dream man; Daniel Howell is an overly-confident, pretentious boy who only views Phil for his intelligence. However, they keep on running into each other, and quickly their worlds collide.





	1. Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Just to let you know, this Phanfiction was created for the Phandom Big Bang. My Beta is @wanderinggwriter and my Artist was @yolkoii on Tumblr!

“So, when are you moving in?” Cassie asked.

We were walking through to the dining hall of our school. The light shone through the long windows, glistening down onto my green blazer. Our trio sat in the centre-most table, directly opposite the main doors. Light reflected the mural-painted ceiling down onto us, creating an array of colours onto the grey table.

“Sunday.” I shared, almost bursting with anticipation. “We are going to have a big dinner. You can all come! Dad will cook, we’ll get some music playing – maybe some board games too?”

All my friends were oddly excited about my new house. Finally, I was going to have a place to call home for life – not just for a few months. They were so excited for me; it would be something stable for me to have. In a childish way, we always shared our excitements.

The new house was particularly exciting at it would be a new meeting place. Cassandra didn’t go out much due to her love for zombie movies. Nothing would please her more than watching _The Walking Dead_ for hours on end, but occasionally, the crazy, short brunette wanted to be social. The only times she would go out would be with Rachel, her inseparable best friend. They looked like opposites, with Rachel being tall, skinny, blonde, and very muscular. However, they shared the same love of speaking and overreacting.

I acted as the anchor for the group. I only really had a passion for films and celebrities, but I couldn’t express it because I was too quiet. Sometimes, in my self-conscious days, I would convince myself that they only had me as their _gay best friend._ However, with more people coming out and more love they shared, I knew that this wasn’t the case. As a group, we were never apart.

“I could buy you a _Zombieland_ poster – that’d be fun!” Cassie suggested.

The conversation had drifted on. Predictably, they managed to combine the new house with pop culture. Ever since the news of the house had been shared, they had planned how to cover my room – with posters. I was never allowed posters in the rented places, so it was a novelty.

“You really like Chris Pratt, so maybe a _Jurassic World_ poster,” Rachel exclaimed.

I couldn’t contain my laughter. They knew what made me smirk. The only things that were interesting to us in the world were films and pop culture. I could not have a single care for my education because I knew that one day I would take over my father’s café. This meant that currently, I was achieving the lowest grades in all my classes.

“I know!” Rachel suddenly proclaimed. “I’ll make you a Dan poster.”

Giggles exploded from the table.

Part of me was delighted by this suggestion. Dan was some form of royalty in our school – some would say a fraud. I was drawn into this fraud from day one. Within my mind, he was perfect for me and me for him. Why?

For starters, this was a man, not a boy. His appearance was beyond the beauty of the northern lights. The eyes were a rich, chocolate brown straight from cocoa beans. When they gazed at you, your world stopped and you felt like you were melting – it was a spectacular sensation. His smile was the embodiment of hope; it showed joy and delight whilst being so rare that it made the day extraordinary. Curly waves topped his head, showing the innocence that _I knew_ he possessed. Mostly, Dan’s height showed he was a man – more than any other person in that school.

Secondly, he was phenomenally intelligent. Despite my lack of it, his intelligence was amazing. When he was around, I felt more capable due to his aura of knowledge. This expressed his courage, strength, composure, and bravery. It made me feel like I knew him before I truly did. He seemed like more of a man then I’ll ever be, and that was extremely attractive.

Finally, he was the man of my dreams from day one. Not for a rational reason, but for fantasy _love-at-first-sight_ reasons. He had been chosen to prepare a speech on our first day of sixth form. Clearly, I remember. Despite having been at school for all of my memory, I knew that this day was special. Nerves bubbled in my stomach as I entered the assembly hall. I had just joined a new school, so everything was rather new. Restlessness overtook me, yet I attempted to suppress it, settling down in my seat.

I sat, facing the stage, twiddling my fingers. Nothing important was happening: nothing of interest. And then I heard it. A voice. Not just any voice. The voice I could hear in my dreams; in dreams of the future; in dreams of perfection and utopia. The dark, rich voice enticed me, and from there, I was addicted. It clenched me, grasping at my breath. I could not breathe. In that instant, I knew what love was. As I looked up, my ideas were confirmed. An angel was standing in front of me, drawing out words. I knew that if this were a sending from the Devil, I was now a Satanist, for he was my love. This was my drug – I was devoted.

However, my love was not unique. Almost every girl in the room had seemingly fallen in love. This reduced my chances to getting with him to almost zero. What were the chances of him liking boys anyway? And clearly, I was just a meagre boy. Philip Lester had no chance with a boy like Daniel Howell.

The Sunday had started. In the early morning, me and my dad took our remaining boxes in the café’s van and shifted our belongings to the new house. It was a simple, new, red brick home: two stories with two bedrooms and two bathrooms – all we needed. Our living room was filled with boxes and we began the day’s work of unpacking.

Only two hours into the job, we had almost finished. Nothing much had been brought apart from memoirs of my mum, kitchen utensils and the school stuff my Dad insisted on taking. Everything else was provided or bought new. It was midday and already we were done. I collapsed on the new maroon armchair, which matched the beige and wooden surroundings.

The doorbell suddenly rang.

“Great timing,” I sighed. “For God’s sake.”

Dad was cooking, ignoring the entrance of my friends. Rachel, Cassie, and Oliver waltzed in, all carrying individual gifts. Cassie and Rachel each handed me a tube. Instantaneously, I knew what the gift was.

“Why are you like this?” I asked, giggling. They clearly had seen my excitement about the posters and wanted to begin the collection. They laughed along.

Behind them stood a nervous looking Oliver. He was always following me around and acting like a loyal dog. Several times he had asked me out, despite my constant turn downs. I loved him and his shaggy auburn hair and broad body, but he wasn’t my type. He was a friend but it always seemed overly clear he wanted more.

“I real…really hope y-you like it,” he said nervously, passing me over a big pink box, topped with a heart. It read: _Dear Philip, I thought dearly about this gift – like I think dearly about you._

I ignored the message – what do you reply to that?

Inside lay a long pen. It was gold, eweighted and had silver hearts on the lid. From an expensive brand, too. I knew it was a huge gift, and he had looked for something for days. I thanked him as we sat down to eat.

After the dinner, I was stuffed. My body lay flimsily on the ground, unable to move due to the weight of my belly. As ever, Oliver had livened up and was ready to socialise. He had cleared up all the rubbish and began to wash up.

“Do you want me to wash the pans, Mr Lester?”

My father nodded, so Oliver turned to the stove. He grabbed the oil-filled pan and then went to the sink. Water dripped. Sizzles emanated from the pan. Then suddenly, at full volume, he turned on the tap. The liquid violently collided with the pan, creating immense heat. Flames exploded. In fear, Oliver backed away screaming. The ceiling was in flames.

Smoke filled the room. They say three breaths of fire smoke is enough to kill someone. Without breathing I felt light headed. The smoke covered all the room. My view was distorted – nothing could be seen.

“Get out!” my Dad screamed, ushering us all out.

Oliver ran. Cassandra scurried. Rachel rushed. My Dad did not move quickly at all. His head looked rapidly. Side to side. I wanted to yell but I could barely breathe. Whispers carried through the room. I couldn’t hear what they were. I ran to my dad, screaming but he couldn’t hear. I saw him pick up something.

But it was too late – I couldn’t breathe…

My next grasp of air was huge.

Oxygen refilled my lungs, pushing out the toxic fumes. My senses were slowly reappearing. I could feel the harsh English wind brushing over my skin, producing bumps. A smell of smoke filled my nose and my mouth, but I could still feel oxygen-rich air filling me. Eyesight began to come back: people were standing over me, whispering with cameras – but why cameras? And then, I could finally hear.

“Nobody has been seriously harmed in this fire,” I heard. “But the house is damaged beyond repair. Mr. Lester said that he had not yet got insurance on the home. However, they are doing all they can to find alternative accommodation and are happy that nobody is hurt. Back to Suzanne in the studio.”

This was a TV broadcast. I had been unconscious and did not know of the severity. No longer did we own a home – it was gone. My heart sunk. We had nowhere to stay. Tears welled up inside of me, but I knew I couldn’t upset my Dad.

“Phil!”

I could see him running up to me, a tear trickling down his cheek.

“You’re all right?” I nodded. “Come quick. You need to rest. We shall stay in the café tonight and I’ll find accommodation in the morning.”

The journey was fast. I had slept for a bit and the rest flew by. Our café chef had already set out camping beds and blankets, so all we had to do was sleep. Quickly, I was rushed into my bed, with water put beside me. I coughed slightly.

“Dad,” I began.“Why didn’t you move? Why didn’t you get out?”

He sighed slightly, and then looked at me. “I couldn’t leave your mother.”

Out from his bag he took a picture from when I was a child. It was the most cherished possession of his – a picture of me, him, and her. I nodded and smiled. It would be something I would have forgotten, but shouldn’t have. It was honourable of him.

“Get some rest,” he said, sitting down next to the phone.

As he sat, it rang. I groaned – my energy had disappeared and I was desperate for sleep. Instantly he picked it up, dismissing the caller. However, he did not put the phone down. Delight entered his voice: possibly relief? “Hmms” and “ahs” came from his mouth. Partially I was intrigued, partially I was confused.

“That would be amazing,” he called, giving a gasp of relief. “Tomorrow would be great.”

He put the phone down. I looked at him quizzically. What could be _amazing_ today, of all days?

“Phil. Do you remember my friend Peter from college?” he asked, and I nodded. “Well, he said we can move in with him.”

 


	2. Amaze

From the café, I could walk along the main roads to Highsted Academy. It was a large brick building with marble carvings outside. A winding 1960 era building spanned around it, showing the science department. With just under 500 students, it was a tiny school – this was because it was extremely expensive to attend. Luckily my mother’s family paid for me, not knowing of my lack of academic ability. Despite my despising of school, it was a nice building with good teachers.

However, today it did not look as peaceful as always. There was a huge gathering outside the office, which stood in the centre of the main building. As I neared it, I heard loud voices.

“Please donate and save our beloved friend.”

At the front of the crowd I spotted Oliver. He held a huge bucket, with three girls dancing behind him. They looked ridiculous.

“Philip Lester has lost his home in a fire. Please donate!”

I pushed through the crowd to the front. This was highly embarrassing, and despite knowing these children had the money to help, I felt guilty. Why should I be asking for money off others? It has nothing to do with them, really?

“Oliver,” I pleaded, trying to stop the crowd from listening. “This is unnecessary – nobody wants to pay for me. We’ll be fine.”

“You don’t have a place to stay!” Oliver quickly spun round to face the crowd. “We need money; everybody, give your money!” His body twisted back, facing me. “I feel guilty, please let me do this. You can even stay with me if you want.”

“I have somewhere to stay.”

By this time, the crowd had dispersed and no longer were interested. Oliver was. His face frowned, the dimples in his face disappearing. Clearly, he had some form of plan: a fantasy.

“I am staying with my Dad’s friend, Peter – there is no need for help.”

I could not tell what was wrong with him. Guilt? Disappointment? I couldn’t be sure. The light left his face momentarily as I apologised. For no reason should I be apologising, but it felt right and like what I should be doing.

“No, it’s fine Phil,” he replied, seemingly trying to brighten himself. “I’ll still collect money.” Oliver turned to his right and strode over to a student walking in. “Donate to our cause please!”

And there he stood. It was Dan. His brown hair shone in the sunlight, flowing slightly in the breeze. The tan face was softened and stress-free. He looked so perfect – and someone so lovely would obviously give to such a cause.

“No. The idiot should have insurance.”

With those words, my heart shattered. The muscle turned to glass and smashed, ripping up my insides as it fell. The gesture felt rude, painful, and hurtful. Suddenly, I was urged to walk over to the incident.

“Why?” Oliver yelled, outraged. “This poor lad has lost his house and livelihood, and you don’t want to help. You _clearly_ have the money to help.”

“I would agree,” he said, adding relief slightly as his face softened. “ _However,_ if I were to donate, I would fear the money would go to another house that would be burnt down again. Once he learns safety standards – maybe.”

“How rude can you be?” words blurted from my mouth. “Are you suggesting I am stupid?” I didn’t know where my courage to say these things was coming from, or why I was saying it.

“Yes, correct. _Wow_! At least you can get something right,” Dan replied sarcastically, clearly fed up. He walked on, trying to get to his lesson; I wouldn’t let him.

I called after him. “I can get many things right. I could certainly prove that, Mr. Know-It-All.”

“Not likely, Doctor Lester,” he mockingly retorted. “But if you want to try – get an A* in the Chemistry mock exam.”

“Fine. I will. What would my reward be?”

Dan stopped, looking at me. Despite my realisation of his horrid ways, he looked more attractive than ever. He looked so relaxed, yet was arguing so fiercely. The rich brown eyes looked me up and down, almost as if checking me out. It was clearly my imagination; I was manipulating the interaction within my mind. His body edged forward. It was like some romance film; my heart raced. He stood only metres away.

“I will take you out on a _date_.”

It didn’t click in my mind. What was going on? Did he know of my crush?

“Fine.”

Within moments, he sauntered past. I stood still, flustered. Neurones were sending signals from my brain to every muscle - I swear I was telling myself to move. Yet, no movement occurred. Despite my heart racing, sending enough oxygen to my muscles for me to run back to the Lester Cafe, no movement was happening. I was stunned.

Did he know of my crush? Was it just some comment about me being gay? Why would he agree to that?

I sat in the van, driving along the dual carriageway.

My mind had not cooled down. Seven hours had passed, yet it still felt like there was a fire in my head accompanied by the inferno in my heart. The argument angered me, but added dimension to my love. How could someone be so passionate, yet casual too?

We had entered a rich area. Homes rose above us, with grounds surrounding them. All were mansions built in the 1800s for merchants in the area. They were beautiful, with huge oak trees lining their gardens. The van pulled into a long drive with a huge brick home standing in front of us. It was a three-story home with well-kept grounds surrounding. There were flowers lining the front path, leading to the grand, white door. Above the door was a huge window, looking down on us. It was a huge manor.

Quickly I jumped out the van and gasped in awe. It was beautiful. The white paint framed the windows beautifully. Dark slates adorned the roofs. It was like some beautiful castle from a TV show, and I was the prince.

“You must be Phil!” someone called.

I found a woman running towards me, arms open.

“I’m Eleanor! Hello!” she called, grasping me in her arms.

She pulled back to reveal an attractive, fashionable woman. Her face was free of wrinkles, made up of flattering make-up and wearing a fitted crimson dress, which flattered her. Blonde hair flowed down to her elbows, with waves in them. She managed to minus 20 years from her supposed age. If I weren’t gay, I would _definitely_ see her as a M.I.L.F.

“Hello!” I exclaimed. “Your house is gorgeous! The flowers really frame it well.”

She giggled. Whenever she has met lads my age, she must be used to them not even commenting on the house.

“Aw what a cutie,” she squealed, taking my hand to drag me inside. “I hope the interior pleases you equally as much.”

We were taken into a huge lounge area. It had white walls with wooden trimmings. The trimmings were painted a light grey, setting an off-tone to the room. Carpet adorned the floors, which were a darker grey. In the centre of the far wall lay a huge brick fireplace with a colourful painting of _Tokyo Tower_ positioned above it. Opposite this were the white sofas. A large bay window was in the room with an archway to the kitchen opposite them. The large flat screen TV was positioned in the corner – it was at least 50 inches, if not more.

“That painting,” I gasped. “That is amazing!”

Eleanor giggled some more. “Yes, we bought it when we visited Tokyo on holiday.”

She sat us down. I heard her call up for her son and husband, Jack and Peter. Normal names. As they arrived, she arrived with teas. My dad stood up and gave a huge comrade hug to Peter. It was rather funny as Peter was so large. His fat meant he was probably double the size of me, despite being about half a foot smaller. They started bonding immediately.

“Last time I saw you,” Peter began. “You were smaller than that TV! Look how you’ve grown.”

I had barely opened my mouth before 10-year-old Jack intervened. “Looks like his brain hasn’t grown since, though.” The way he said this sounded almost innocent, but somehow he twisted it in a malicious way.

This granted a slap on the arm from his mother. I wondered if she could hear the malice in his undertone. I guessed not. I giggled, despite being hurt. _What a dickhead._ “It’s fine,” I laughed. “I can do Year 6 work – test me.”

He lifted up his Physics book and asked me to explain levers. From my memory, Physics began in senior school, not primary. _And,_ to be honest, I was always awful at it. I tried to explain it, but I failed miserably.

“Mum,” he whispered quietly, after I finished trying to explain. “You’ve let an idiot into the house. My respect for your decisions has gone down considerably.” I tried to not listen to his quiet comment. Surely, he whispered so that I wouldn’t hear, so I attempted to divert my attention.

Jack stood up as the doorbell rang. The young boy ran towards the door excitedly, yelling “he’s home, he’s home.” It was the family’s other son, who was in my school year. Internally, I hoped dearly that he wasn’t like his little brother, and was a bit nicer. It would make my stay immensely more enjoyable. I could hear strong, steady footsteps and a rich, strong laugh.

Everybody left the room to meet him. I could not bear to have that pressure on me, so I didn’t want to create that for anybody else. Instead, my body remained seated, twiddling my thumbs. Was I being antisocial and awkward? I would hope not.

From the hallway I heard laughter and giggles. Clearly, he was not feeling as awkward as I would in the situation. Still, I remained seated. Confident laughter travelled through. After a handful of minutes, there were calls for cakes, with all but the older son passing through to collect the food. Now I could create my first impressions.

The older son stepped through the doorframe. We made eye contact. The cocoa brown eyes dove into my face, searching around. He was smirking, with cute dimples indenting his face. A long brown fringe shaped his face, with small waves forging the hair. It was familiar – I swear I knew the face.

Suddenly, I found myself on my feet. My mouth was wide open as he smirked. Hand pointed, I exclaimed his name. “Daniel Howell.”

“Yes, that’s me,” He said in response. “’I’m glad you recognise me. I thought for a moment you wouldn’t realise. How awkward would that be?”

Was this an insult? Did he expect me to not be able to remember him? _How could I not remember him?_ He remained in his stance, staring at me and smirking. Confidence radiated from him. I should have felt intimidated, but his smirk wasn’t like that. It was almost as if he was pleased or excited. I could not grasp the feeling, but it wasn’t something I should have feared.

“Well Daniel,” Eleanor said, bringing in the cakes and the family from the kitchen. “It seems you have met Phil! I hope you two get on. Can you show him up to his room please?”

_Please say yes. Please._

“Mum, we have met previously: we go to school together. First impressions on our other guests are more important.” He turned to my Dad and shook his hand. “How are you, Mr. Lester?”

_Damn it._

Instead, Eleanor took my hand and brought me upstairs. She showed me to a large room. It had awning windows on the wall opposite the door, bringing in light in all directions. The light bounced off the white walls, which contrasted the dark wooden flooring. At the left end of the room was a four-poster bed, with white covers. Next to the bed stood the wardrobe, which was enormous. To the opposite end of the room stood a large desk, with a laptop, pens, and some books on. Above that was _those_ posters – Chris Pratt and Zombieland. How did she know?

I gasped. It was amazing.

“Is this all mine?” I asked, walking around the beautiful room.

She nodded, smiling. “Ah wait,” she said, picking up a photo album, “This isn’t meant to be in here.”

Eleanor brought it over to me. “Shall I show you them?” She asked, almost excitedly. It was called _Dan’s Baby Photos._

“Uhh...Sure,” I said. It felt like invading his privacy, yet I was excited. Surely she would not suggest showing me it if it was not allowed _._ She opened it, gushing over it. He was such a cute child. His cheeks were a lot bigger, and his smiles were more innocent. The hair was even more curly than now, which increased the cuteness. However, I would still agree – puberty did him well.

“Can I err…” I started. “Can I keep one?”

As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted it. I don’t know why I asked: I shouldn’t have asked. She would think I’m weird… a stalker maybe? A stalker who was living with them. No sane person would ask that of somebody they just met, nevermind their son. Remorse filled my body, accompanied by fear. Nobody could take that well – for all she knows, I’ve only just met him. I really should not have asked that.

“Sure,” she said, laughing. How did she not think I was weird? “You two must be super close; he knew what posters you would want.”

 _What?_ How would he know that?

“Anyway, I’ll leave you to it,” she said, passing me the photograph. As she left, she winked at me and then shut the door.

She left me to my own thoughts. I was meant to revise chemistry for this mock exam, but all I could think about was the posters. How would he know? He never paid any attention to me. I swear he didn’t even know my name. With all this thought running through my head, I knew there was no way that I was going to get work done tonight. Instead, I collapsed on the fresh linen bed and let my head run wild.

 


	3. Never

I had lived in the Howell household for several days. For the most part, I was loving it. I had a lovely, big room and a new-found mother – Eleanor was so caring and protective. She treated me like one of her own. However, it was not all happiness. I was not able to revise at all, although I would question whether I was ever able to in the first place.

Even worse, Dan had not spoken to me.

I realised after a day it was the sort of silent treatment thing he was trying to pull off. So, for that, I did it back. Whenever I looked at him he looked happy; whenever we almost made eye contact I turned away. Whenever I looked away, I felt a sad energy. It was probably all in my head; that would be what I wanted to think. Within myself, I found hope that this was the case. Eleanor had been telling my father about how much of a good influence I was - apparently bringing out the best in Dan. I couldn’t see any effect I’d had, although I hadn’t spent much time with him before moving in.

It was a Wednesday morning. I was sitting in my form room in school. Tables were laid out, with desks for two in rows. A whiteboard was at the front, with a single desk with a computer. It was a Maths room, with unhelpful posters almost everywhere. One large window stood at the back, letting in light. I sat on the desk next to the window, with my friends beside me.

Cassie and Rachel were looking at the latest  _ Imagine Dragons  _ album, cooing. I sat on my own, staring down at my Chemistry book. No matter what I did, I could not learn titration calculations or even understand titrations in general. How does pouring one acid in another determine how many atoms are in that small space? None of the information was sticking in my head, but I had a plan to sort this problem.

“Phil!” Oliver said, running into the room.  _ What was it going to be this time?  _ “Are you okay? This family clearly aren’t good for you, they’re making you study!”

“They’re lovely Oliver.” I was already a bit fed up of him this week. He had insisted twice to walk me home, threatened to look in the  _ Yellow Pages  _ for my new address  (despite not knowing names) and almost dragged me home with him. It was weird. “I’m only revising for a bet, don’t worry.”

“A bet!” I could tell he was going to get angry again. “That’s ridiculous. Who would you bet with? Is it worth this much stress? All I do is worry for your sake, please who is it?”

“Me.”

Dan stood behind him. He wasn’t pulling his usual smirk but looked concerned. Everybody else was staring at him – throughout the almost 7 years which he could have taken an interest in my group, he never had. Why now?

“Come on Phil,” Oliver moaned, ignoring Dan. “You didn’t take that seriously?”

I nodded, but before I knew it, Oliver was out of the way and Dan had grabbed my wrist. I was standing up, being dragged out of the room. “I’ve got your bag, okay?” What was going on? He took me down the hall, out the building, through the side gate and outside to the park. He pushed me against a tree and put his hand up above my shoulder.

_ What was he doing _ ?

He began to look at me in the eyes, but I did not want to break my promise to myself. I wasn’t going to make eye contact. I was adamant. “So, what did you want to err...” I began, trying to be confident and cool. “What was it  _ exactly _ you wanted to chat about? I have lots of work to d-do.” My eyes drifted, looking down at his body. His shoulders were broad. He wasn’t muscular, but he was clearly strong. My sight moved upwards, scanning his collar bones. They stuck out, sharp as a knife.

I looked a bit further up. I avoided his eyes, but glimpsed at his face. His dimples were appearing slightly, but his face was relaxed. Rosy colours adorned his face, showing either embarrassment or pleasure. But his attitude told me a different story. He looked so pleased, yet he acted so disgusted.

“Phil. Look at me.”

I refused. It had been almost a week of awkwardness. I wasn’t going to break it now. He would think I was a weird kid, and I could not have that. Maybe he would see me as weak? Did he know what I was doing?

“Phillip Lester. Fucking hell.” He grabbed my face and moved it up, looking me directly in the eye. Dan released a sigh. “There we go. Where is your lunch box? You’ve got mine.”

_ Jesus _ . Was it worth all that? I guess it added extra time. Maybe I shouldn’t complain about it. I quite enjoyed the attention.

I grabbed my bag. Quickly, I picked out the plastic box containing the tuna mayonnaise sandwich. Eleanor had agreed on chicken sandwiches for me – I should have noticed. Quickly we swapped boxes, and he began to walk off.

“Wait.” I called.  _ Was I actually going to do this?  _ “Wait, Dan?”

He turned around, looking at me quizzically.

This was the moment. I could back out if I wanted. Everything within me was telling me not to do it, but my heart was forcing me to. It felt like some magnetic force, despite me knowing it would end in disappointment and distress. I didn’t have to ask.

Asking would be a mistake.

Yet I had been full of mistakes previously. Trying to stick up to him in front of the school building was a mistake. Moving in was a mistake. What other harm could asking do? There would but completely no damage in asking a harmless question, would there?

“C-can you please tutor me?”

Instantaneously, I realised all the damage which could possibly be done by such a simple question.

First, he laughed in my face. Was it really that much of a ridiculous question? 

Then, he shook his head, and began to walk away again. I started to become embarrassed, and attempted to salvage the situation. 

“Wait, Dan.” I ran and grabbed him. He turned around and gave me daggers. It really was too much to ask it seemed. But then, I took out my photograph of him. I had an idea - an  _ awful _ one. I knew it was wrong, but I did not want him to just walk away. I couldn’t leave him thinking I was pathetic. “What if this influences you?”

His face turned. It was fear filled. Determination possibly? All I knew was he was suddenly pouncing on me, trying to grab the photograph out of my hands. For once with him, I felt in control. It was a mad feeling, but I loved it. I lifted the photo above my head. He was leaning on me.

I could feel myself falling backwards.

Before I knew it, he was on top of me. Elevated, with his knee holding him up, but his head was near. There were only a few centimetres between our eyes, and I could feel him staring at me. 

“Give the photograph to me, Phil.”

I shook my head, trying to mimic his smirk. It felt good. “Only if you agree.”

“Fine.”

He stood up, reaching out his hand for me. I took it and he helped me up.

“I will help you, given I’m pretty sure you could never do so well in a Chemistry exam.”

He stuck to his word. I could hear him scraping his desk chair across the landing from his bedroom. The legs scratched against the floor. Clearly, he had no desire to do this revision session. There was no sense of excitement coming from the energy he was putting into preparations. He must have only been doing it because I had the photo.  _ Blackmail _ , I thought to myself.  _ What an evil, yet clever thing to do. _ I then realized what I’d been thinking and pushed it out of my head. According to Eleanor I’d had a positive influence on Dan - clearly he’d had a negative influence on me.

Dan’s back pushed the door ajar, with enough space for him to push his chair plus himself inside. Already, I was positioned comfortably on the bed, cross legged with a large book to lean on. His eyes drifted towards me, raising his eyebrows in confusion. Was this not how to revise? It reduced my stress being on the bed, but something told me he didn’t like it.

The chair was positioned parallel to mine.  _ I should have sat there _ . It was too late to move – I had made it very clear I was comfortable on the bed. It would be way too obvious.

“So, Phil, what can you tell me about the structure of atoms and bonding? I’ll start easy.”

_Oh no._ A simple part of chemistry, yet I can’t even remember it. For GCSE, I learned all of it, but afterwards I just shut it out of my mind. _Why_ _did I do that?_ My eyes darted around the room. There was nothing in here which could really help me, but I searched. Surely this was _too_ simple for A-Level anyway.

“Err, well,” I began, buying myself time without trying to seem stupid. “An atom has a nucleus, which has protons and neutrons in it.” He shook his head – I could get something right. My confidence increased. “Electrons orbit the nucleus. The protons are negatively charged and electrons are positively charged. Within an atom there are equal protons and electrons as an atom has no charge. Electrons can orbit the nucleus due to opposite charges which creates an attraction. I think.”

He smiled. “All good.” I beamed, I got something right. “Apart from… Protons are positively charged and electrons are negatively charged. Remember the ‘P’s are together.” I reverted to my nervous state. I can’t get everything right after all.

“Let’s go a bit more in depth with atoms and structure, okay?” He stood up, coming towards me. Dan sat on the end of the bed, bringing a textbook with him. It seemed like he was being a bit more friendly than usual – it was strange. His hand ushered me to slide closer to him.

“I’ll explain bonding, will this be of any use?” I nodded, looking down at the book. His hand slowly followed each word, with his voice turning soft. His skin looked smooth – no wrinkles or spots. Veins were slightly raised from his skin. Was it warm in here? I shivered only a minute ago but thought it was cheeky to ask for the heating on. It surely was not cold in here. As he finished a point, he accentuated his points with hand gestures. Clearly, he was passionate about what he was talking about. However, I didn’t care much for ionic bonding.

“Phil?”

My mind had gone on a tangent again.  _ This  _ was why I wasn’t good in school. I am so easily distracted. 

“Phil, can you please explain what I have just told you?”

I coughed slightly. It was mildly embarrassing that I couldn’t explain it. “Well err.” I heard something about ionic bonding, but I could not remember much about it. “Ionic bonding forms ions when chemically reacted.” He nodded slightly, but knew there wasn’t much in my head.

“What types of atoms bond together?”

“Two m… metals?” Dan’s head looked down, sniggering. “Oh no! This is like a bonding of monomers and carboxylic acids, right?”

“I am fairly sure that that doesn’t exist Phil.  _ Jesus Christ.  _ We have a lot of work to do it seems.” He smiled. “It’ll give me something to do I suppose.”

It seemed odd that he didn’t care. It was almost as if he enjoyed it. Was this the first time he was being kind to me? “Do you mind helping me?” I asked, becoming slightly nervous.

“Like I said, it gives me something to do.”

“B-but if you have some-something better to do, you can,” I added. I was becoming to feel bad for him. It was manipulation – I couldn’t do that to him.

“Oh, shut up Phil, I’m going to help you.”

_ Only because of the photograph _ .

The photograph was the only reason. I wasn’t sure whether to pleased or upset about it. On one hand, I had received what I wanted - his help. However, it didn’t feel right. My heart, my head and my gut told me it was wrong and I could feel it too. It felt like that feeling when you’re breaking rules and you get butterflies. I was entering realms of risk that I had never entered before.

I was  _ certainly _ upset about it.

It was late in the night. I was so tired, as was he. He looked at me with bored, almost angry eyes. Our energy had lowered to a level where we both couldn’t control ourselves properly. He seemed fed up, as if he wanted to yell, or at least that’s what it seemed like to my over-emotional-tired self. Him saying ‘shut up’ just set me off. Usually, it wouldn’t mean a thing, but I was just so tired. All I could do was think negatively and wonder what else he could be doing with his time.

“S-sorry. I’m s-s-so sorry Dan.” I started to think deeply about the situation. I could feel my eyes welling up. I was forcing him to do something he didn’t want. He didn’t want to do this. I knew he didn’t. 

All this time,  _ all this time _ , he was sitting here, trying so hard to teach me. And for what, for nothing to go in?

His patience was seriously being tested.

I had admiration for him for a second. Despite his rudeness, arrogance and confidence, he was willing to put up with me. He was willing to sit here, with a brainless kid, teaching chemistry. Worse, the brainless kid could not even recite what he said after a minute. Really, he was doing charity work here. All for a single picture.

That picture was driving me insane.

I tried to suppress the memory of it. Really, I wanted to believe that he was doing this for the sake of helping me. I wanted to believe he had sympathy for me. He didn’t. No sympathy, just blackmail.

This was because I blackmailed him.  _ How evil.  _ I knew that my mother, in heaven, would be disgusted with me. After this, I would not be even considered to get into heaven - I had done something evil. I was not even sure if purgatory would allow me in. However, I was certain I would be allowed into hell with open arms. I should have never blackmailed him.

I regretted it all.

 

I could feel all these thoughts in my head, welling up and almost bursting out of me. If my mum was looking down on me, she would be disappointed. I was wasting his time. And in this time I was wasting, all I could think about was wasting it. I felt like I was doing something wrong.

The problem. It was all in my head, but it filled it. I knew everything felt ten times worse due to my tiredness. It felt like he wanted to help, yet something deep inside of my brain was telling me otherwise. My fatigued body was tricking me to the point where I could not realise what the full reality was.

A hand touched my cheek. It re-entered me into reality, waking me up slightly. It was moist through sweat, but warm and comforting. The thumb stroked upwards and downwards, slowly. He was crouching on the floor in front of me. Moving slowly, he positioned his eyes so that I could clearly see them. They gazed into my eyes, but I could not look directly in them. What if he was angry? I peered at his lips. Then I realized it was Dan I was looking at...

“Are you okay, Phil? Are you tired? Do you need rest?” Dan seemed concerned yet was trying to keep his regular, snide facade intact..

I nodded slightly. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself - he would just laugh. After all, this was  _ Dan _ we were talking about. I wouldn’t be able to recognize the kind person in front of me if I wasn’t for our close proximity. The wave of tiredness quickly came over me. All I could think to do would be to continue revising so that he would leave quicker.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “We’ll just continue.” I wanted to be distracted. I would feel embarrassed if he thought that there was something wrong. However, clearly my quiet, timid voice gave something away. I regretted what I had just done. I decided to push the panic out of my mind and let protons and electrons take its place... 

I tried to avoid embarrassment, but it had slammed into my face. I could feel my face heating up. I was trying to keep calm, but I could just think of how he didn’t have to be there. It was a forceful trap.  _ Blackmail _ . The blackmail I was proud of, but the blackmail that was keeping him from doing something he enjoyed. What an idiot I was to be doing this.

_ I was such an idiot. _

“Breathe Phil,” he mouthed, neither pulling his usual smirk nor frowning. “It’s okay.”

That was not the response I expected; it was so unlike him.

I had approached a queasy stage of exhaustion. The type where you feel like you’re floating. I was slightly dizzy, and needing to lie down. Yet I couldn’t. My mind was racing. All the memories of the last week rushed through my brain and I couldn’t make sense of any of it.

Worse, not even Dan was acting normal. 

“I... I’m pathetic,” I uttered. I didn’t know what I was saying, and I could barely tell that the words were mine until they hung in the air and it was too late to pull them back.

“No, no you’re not.”

My eyes lifted, glancing at his. Worry was overtaking his face. The cocoa eyes were no longer filled with confidence, but with fear. Dan’s eyes foraged through my face, desperately finding the peace hidden within me. They settled on my eyes, watching them. He seemingly wanted me to say something, but I couldn’t search for words. I felt a shoot of energy from my stomach to my throat. What was going on?

I was scared. I thought if I said something he would stop. Despite my panic and worry, I was enjoying the attention - his attention. My brain told me it was a dream: a bad dream because I was in such a panic, yet amazing because I could conjure up a situation so real with him. It felt strange. It was a weird mixture of fantasy of reality.

_ It had to be a dream. _

If it wasn’t, I would have to ask so many questions. First of all, was this even Dan? Maybe there was some twin and he was magically nice. That would be ridiculous. Although, wasn’t this  _ all  _ ridiculous? I was so confused. He simply would not change so quickly to be nice. If he was nice like this sometimes, why was he normally so arrogant? Clearly if this was him, there was some reason why he changed so quickly. He must hide his kindness away for some mad reason. Either that, or he is just pretending to care.

“You’re fine, OK?”

His concern was flaring. Why  _ did _ he care? Nothing he was doing was helping. I broke the gaze, looking down to his other hand. It lay on the bed frame to the right of me. It seemed to be moving: side to side. This must have been just my imagination. I quickly put my right hand down for support. I could not faint. I could not faint in this situation.

My imagination grew, spiralling out of control. I knew I was panicking – nothing was right in my head. Everything rooted deep within me had suddenly come up into my mind. I could not make sense of what had been happening - how the house burned down, how we moved in with a stranger, nor how I had decided to face the task of getting such a good grade. His hand began to move up the bed frame. This did not make any sense. Was it just my imagination? I needed sleep. Sleep and a good dose of sanity. Sanity would have been excellent at that moment. They crawled up the linen sheets, dancing along to mine. They neared and I knew it wasn’t real. I could feel a touch on my fingertips. The touch was sweatier than before. Shock waves passed through the tips, sending shivers through my body. Was he feeling this too? Another shock wave ran from my stomach to my throat. I jolted my hand away.

I knew it was in my head. I knew it. Whenever I’m tired, I feel bugs over me: weird bits of wind. This must have been just a larger feeling within my imagination. It could not have been him. It would be too odd for him to do.

“Phil. Phil?” I looked at him again. “Are you OK? Breathe with me, OK?”

Heavily, we breathed through our noses for 5 seconds. This was longer than any of my previous breaths already. He signalled to hold that for a few seconds. Through my mouth, I exhaled for 7 seconds, almost in a whistling motion. This was repeated 10 times before I was calm.

Who was this Dan? Since when did Dan have this sort of compassion? I could not make sense of the situation given how he normally is. Where was the Dan I was used to, the smirky and rude one? I couldn’t wait to go to sleep, to drift into dreams that made more sense...

“Thank you. I’m sorry.”

Instantly he stood up. His worry was still smeared over his face, but embarrassment was married with it. His face was red, and he knew it. No part of his face was his usual tan colour. He didn’t look comfortable either.

“It’s hot in here. I’m going to cool down,” he said, quickly rushing from the room.

When he came back, his worry was nowhere to be seen. His confidence arose back, a smirk slipping onto his face. He made no comment on me in my bed sheets, with the pillows sitting me up. All the more reason to think I was dreaming before. I mean, it couldn’t really have been  _ Dan _ who had handled me so gently beforehand, could it? Energy had escaped me, and really, I was ready to sleep.

He sat, cross-legged, at the other end of my bed. Handing me some practice questions and the textbook, he said he would sit whilst I worked on it. That must have been extremely boring for him, but I didn’t want to complain and start thinking  _ again  _ about wasting time. Therefore, I complied to his wishes.

My brain battled through the questions. It became apparent that I did not care for ionic lattices nor how they are created. It utterly bored me to death and I could not understand its importance. Question after question, I lowered myself into my bed and slowly closed my eyes.

As I feel gently into sleep, I heard a slight sigh. It was rude, but all my energy had gone - I needed to sleep.

Gently, my eyelids opened.

Light beamed in from my window, illuminating my room. It shone downwards onto my bed. Sheets were flung everywhere; three pens adorned them; the chemistry book was deposited on top of me; Dan lay next to me.

He was lying right next to me.

His face was relaxed. Calmness radiated from him. The hand, the one which had caressed me in my panic, was outstretched towards me. It did not quite reach me, but almost. It was almost there. Was it not a dream afterall?

I wanted to wake him, but I knew he needed sleep. The clock told me it was only 6:30am, so I got clean school clothes and quickly got changed. Lazily, I shuffled downstairs.

Eleanor was up early. Breakfast was cooking already. Bacon was being lifted to the grill. The knife repeatedly chopped: mushrooms and black pudding was on order. It smelled delectable.

“Phil! How did it get on with Daniel?”

A smile came onto my face. Slowly, I was recollecting the events of the previous night.

“Yeah, he was fairly kind to me. We got on well.”

“Really?” She was moving the mushrooms to the pan, drizzling a bit of oil on top of them. “I always worry about Dan. He isn’t very emotional. He locks himself up, you know?” The pan sizzled.

To me, he seemed caring. It was far different from the other encounters we had had, but every other encounter we did have was not too pleasant. Maybe this was me trying to romanticise his attitude. I was probably seeing something nobody else could see.

Loud footsteps approached the kitchen. It was unmistakably his.

“Oh, good morning.” He seemed rather happy. “Ah, Mr Stupid.”

How pleasant. “What did I do to deserve that?” I exclaimed, trying to act as if it were a joke.

The smirk grew, signalling the lack of humour. “Those questions I gave you. You managed to get possibly 7 marks. Out of a possible 105. Well done!”

Clearly, I  _ was _ romanticising his attitude. Obviously, that was just something only my mind saw. However, that caress of the cheek would suggest otherwise, I suppose.


	4. Wonder

Despite the awkwardness and my worries of the first revision session, Dan did not refuse a second. Primarily, he seemed reluctant. Mostly, he blamed it on the fact that we were not friends, and I am rather difficult to teach. After a while, though, he came through.

I was fairly excited. He asked to go to the Days Café. It didn’t sound fancy, but it happened to be the most chic café in town. We had arranged to go after he had met with someone.

This gave me time to prepare. Out of my wardrobe, I pulled out my fanciest shirts. There was a turquoise button-up shirt, which had short sleeves and gave out a fun but elegant impression. _Maybe a bit too much for the occasion?_ I would not want him to think I was trying too much.

“Clearly that is _too_ much,” I whispered to myself, deciding to stop neglecting how much I cared about Phil and the “date.”

I pulled out a pancake shirt. It looked pretty cool. It was mostly white, so it wasn’t too garish. Pancakes took up the majority of the bottom half, with maple syrup pouring onto it. They looked _so_ delicious. It made my stomach rumble. _Oh no, that would be embarrassing. Maybe not this one_.

Panicked, I had to search quickly for something appropriate. Not too weird but not too fancy. It had to show my personality well. I threw four shirts over my shoulder until I found it. It was blue with yellow stars evenly placed all over. For a little extra spark, it had red hems. It was perfect.

I peered in the mirror and approved of the outfit. If anything, he wouldn’t complain about my look. Butterflies flew around my stomach. That electric shock moved up through my body again, but it was good this time – I could not wait. Why was I so excited? Moving quickly, I pushed my glasses up my nose and exited the house. What if I was late?

My footsteps sped up as I reached Liverpool Road. It was a busy road leading to the North of the town, with most commuters passing along it. Luckily, trees still aligned it so it was truly a beautiful part of town.

As I reached the third whitebeam tree, I knew the café was to the left of me. It had large bay windows overlooking the road. You could see into them, showing the wooden walls and brown, plush seating. The counter was the furthest away from the window. To the right was a slight raised area with books and red sofas. For this area, there were wallpapers with intricate designs – the most romantic area of the café. Light shone down on the seats closest to the bookshelf.

Rain began to fall slowly onto the pavement. _Typical Britain._ In the usual way, drivers began to speed up and the pavements cleared. I looked up at the grey, covered sky. There was no break in the clouds to be seen. Quickly, I rushed inside.

This time, there were barely any people in the café. Usually, it was filled but for some reason, only 3 or 4 parties were seated. I strode into the café, clinching my fists. What if he was already here, and I was making him wait?

“Hello sir, how many is it for?” a server asked as I entered.

I looked around quickly to see if he was there, but he was nowhere to be seen. I signalled for two and he lead me up to the raised area. _Yes._ Towards the bookshelves. _Yes, does he know?_

“Is here OK?” He showed me that table. The table with the light shining down; the table with the red couches aligned with eccentrically patterned cushions; the table with aura of love circling it. I nodded immediately, taking a seat. I was passed a menu and I began to decide what I was having.

At least half an hour had passed. I wasn’t early was I? It was 5:30 by this point. People started to come in, staring at me. I was sipping on my milkshake alone, looking out of the window and searching desperately. Could he have stood me up? A sharp pain attacked my heart. He would not care about being late; he would not care about me.

My eyes were welling up. Why was I crying, and over Dan? Had I really expected him to care about me? Doubt was filling my heart, but I couldn’t worry. Not in public. I used that breathing technique, the one he taught me. Again, it worked, but my heart was still palpitating. Why wasn’t he coming? My eyes darted to the door every time it opened.

It was 6pm now. I had an urge to text Eleanor and ask if he were at home. Maybe this was one of those videos online where they prank someone into thinking they’re on a date. Dan would find that funny, but would he really do that? Well, I wasn’t really on a _date_. My heart felt like it was; I was in as much despair as I would be if I were stood up on a date. I ordered another milkshake. “It’s fine,” I whispered to myself. “Just enjoy your milkshake. It’s nice here.”

The door opened, and a man ran in with sweat running down his face. He had been running from somewhere, his hair wet slightly from drizzles of rain. The hair on his head curled, and he wiped sweat from his eyebrows. His brown eyes darted around the room, searching. Quickly, he found his treasure and ran towards her, picking her up. As he approached her, his face lit up as if it was the only happiness he needed. I wish this was Dan. I wish he would have that much effort for me, but he can’t even turn up on time.

_He wouldn’t even give a kind smile, nevermind hug me._

Rain started to patter down heavier on the roof of the café. It added an atmosphere, but mostly made me think of getting home. If it got heavier and began to thunderstorm, what was I going to do? I didn’t really have anything to cover me whilst I walked. More people moved in from the road and I felt guilty taking up an extra seat. If he wasn’t going to arrive soon, I would have to leave.

A large party of people moved into the café. They had been enjoying the previously lovely day, clearly rather drunk. They were loud, shouting at the waiting staff as they disallowed them in. It was unpleasant; I felt rather threatened, despite being at the far corner of the café. Out from behind them came a well-spoken man, whispering his apologies as he shuffled past. I could recognize him anywhere. He was dripping wet, yet holding an umbrella in his hand. The person was wearing only a t-shirt and shorts – he must have been freezing. “I am so sorry Phil,” he said as he neared me.

It was Dan.

My heart leapt, but I didn’t want to make that clear. “Don’t worry, I only just got here.” I could see him frown. Clearly what I said wasn’t true: no water lay on my body and two milkshakes lay in front of me. I had spent a lot of time alone here, but something inside of me was saying it was worth it at this point. “Did you have a good time meeting that person earlier?” I asked politely.

“Yeah.” Dan was speaking quite bluntly, but that was how he just was sometimes. “She was really nice; I would have quite like to have stayed.” An arrow was shot through my heart. He was with a girl, _a nice girl_ , which I didn’t know _and_ he enjoyed it more than being here. I tried to shift the thought out of my head.

“So,” Daniel continued, opening the textbook he had with him. “Chemistry continued. Basics again, and the periodic table this time.”

I nodded, listening to him explain. The early periodic table was extremely boring, but I could listen to it. I think I could listen to _War and Peace_ if it were him reading it, despite the lack of interest in the novel. His rich voice was so eloquent and posh. It was so much more beautiful than my silly, regional, Northern accent.

“Phil,” Dan said, clapping his hands in front of my face. I was dazing about again. “Phil! Newlands Law of Octaves! Go shoot!”

 _Well I should have listened._ “Early periodic table,” I said, stating the obvious. “A guy called Newlands wanted to order the already discovered elements and decided to do it in eighths.”

“In order of…?”

“In order of electronic structure?”

“No!” It was a playful yell. This wouldn’t have been his original reaction. He used to be aggressive or frustrated when he yelled, but times had changed. It was good. “That didn’t exist until Rutherford’s experiment. In order of atomic mass!”

For God’s sake, how was I to guess that? “How would he know it should be in order of atomic mass?”

Dan sighed, but laughed simultaneously. He explained so carefully, making sure I understood everything. It all seemed odd to me and Dan admitted to me that it isn’t the full story, but only what the exam board want us to believe. It was kind and he seemed to be more comfortable in acting this way now too.

A sigh escaped me. “How do you not get so horrifically bored of all of this?” I asked, shuffling in my chair. I felt no engagement with the things I was being taught, but more with the man who was teaching me. I had never felt engagement with these academic ideas. Truly, I never really understood how intelligent people like him could engage in these things.

“I prefer talking about these things over anything else. It is something which you cannot get wrong, which is unlike court cases, politics, or personal things. Personal things may change and I don’t like putting out facts that may not necessarily be true in the future.”

“Oh.” I did not expect something so detailed to be in the response. A giggle or sigh would have been good enough. Although once I thought about it, Dan didn’t giggle. At least not the Dan that I was used to.

I couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to talk about personal things. It made people become closer and connect, and it was basically the only thing I could talk about. Personal things were the only things I could be sure on - others would correct me on science and maths. It seemed so odd to me.

Then I began to worry. What if he only acted that way towards me - he purposely wanted to avoid personal things. He couldn’t trust me: I had betrayed his trust somehow. Clearly, that had to be the answer. Maybe he was trying to protect my feelings.

 _The Dan I know wouldn’t protect my feelings,_ I thought, trying to avoid hurting myself. I was thinking too much about this - was it that important. It was tearing my mind apart. I had to get off the topic and avoid it hurting me.

“But do you not think with new discoveries in science it may be disproven. I just find that giving facts out about me is fun – it gives something light hearted to talk about!”

He nodded, sighing slightly.

“Yeah but you’re confident with it,” he said. “I’m not sure I could be confident about it due to fear. I’m extremely self-conscious about my own traits – not self-conscious about knowledge. I don’t think I would easily tell someone much about myself.”

My heart sank a little. How could he say those things about himself?

“That’s not all that bad!” I wanted to make him happier again. “When I walk around most people just know me as the gay one, or the one whose home burnt down. You can slowly show them your personality. It is only fine to me because I’m quite proud of me, my background and my sexuality.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to accept my sexuality.”

_What?_

I did not want to skip to conclusions. Most of the time, people assume you’re straight. It can get a bit annoying like that. But from one single comment, I could not assume he was anything else, right? I’ve never heard a straight person comment on their own sexuality in that way, but he may be a first.

From what I could tell so far, he was unlike anybody else I’d ever met. _Unique_. This could be the same.

“Well, if you’re straight, you’re more likely to not experience anything bad. Unless you’re not…?”

His head jerked up quickly. Dan’s eyes widened slightly, his eyebrows raised.

“I guess I don’t like labels. And ‘straight’ groups me with some right idiots out there. I guess I’m just weird.”

 _Phew_. That would have got my hopes up too much.

I laughed, smiling at him. “I know the feeling! Try having the burden of not being classed as _normal_. But hey, you at least don’t have to go around coming out to everybody you meet.” We laughed. It was light hearted, yet serious. In my mind, Dan was seeming to be comfortable around me when we were alone now. It was progress.

 


	5. Deceit

As I arrived in school the next morning, I decided to extend mine and Dan’s connection. I didn’t know why, but I liked the tender boy who had helped me the day before. I wanted him back. I wanted him to be comfortable with me in any situation. With what he confessed yesterday, it may be difficult but it was certainly what I wanted. I _needed_ his trust.

I sat on a bench outside waiting for Cassie and Rachel. We did this some mornings, and they texted me to say they were nearby, so I waited. It always made for an excellent start to the day.

“Phillip Lester!” Rachel exclaimed, running over. Cassie was a few steps behind but she was never one to run at any moment. Despite being the eldest in the school, we still acted as if we were in Year 7.

Together we walked inside, gossiping about our teachers and classmates. Everything we spoke about was harmless. Usually, we would chat about films but today, Rachel had some big gossip to tell us. For some reason she was excited, yet nervous about saying.

“Come on!” I exclaimed. “We started this conversation for you to subtly drop it in. You have to tell me!”

She looked like she was going to burst. “You know Jess Grey?” Rachel started. We nodded.

Jess Grey was one of the highest performing academic pupils in the year. I wouldn’t say intelligent because she was extremely ditsy and could not read a situation. She had extremely pushy, yet rich parents. Everyone could tell she had rich parents – the clothes she wore were over the top; the car she drove was extraordinarily expensive and the way she spoke was very posh and high-class. Jess had long brown hair which she curled every day to make wavy and wore layers of makeup. Naturally, she was small but was very thin. She was not the sort of girl who I thought was pretty, (she was very different to Dan, who _I did_ find pretty) but all the other males in the year thought she was stunning.

“Well.” She looked over at me. “Are you sure you want me to tell you?” I nodded again. In my mind, there was no way I was not going to enjoy some gossip.

“Apparently,” She continued. “Rumour says that her and Dan are dating.”

My heart sank. I was in disbelief. That ditsy, empty brain certainly wasn’t Dan’s type, right? Although, how could I know what his type was? Like he was saying the day before, he hadn’t really told me, nor anyone, personal information. Maybe she was the one who he was going to open up to. I was beginning to mistrust my own assessment of our relationship – maybe I didn’t really know him. _God_ , I barely knew him. Why did I think I knew him at all, or that he cared for our relationship?

Cassie looked at me, examining my face. I didn’t realize I was showing such outward signs of disappointment. “Phil. Phil don’t worry, it is only a rumour. There is nothing else to it.” She moved her eyes to Rachel, who looked slightly guilty.

I laughed nervously. “Yeah, I don’t care that much anyway. He can do as he pleases.” My face relaxed. If only I truly felt like that.

“Oh!” Rachel exclaimed. I couldn’t tell whether or not she believed the rubbish I just said, but I could tell she was forcing herself to. “That’s good. The full rumour goes that he goes to their home weekly and helps tutor her, but her sister caught them having sex and threw him out. He apparently has a bad boy attitude around her because he family punish him unless he gets good grades.”

My heart sunk deeper. This addition made it sound truer. Not _just_ a rumor anymore.

He never spent all his time in the house. I wouldn’t know if he went there to tutor her or not. Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t care, but I did. I certainly should not care about his sex life – that was private. However, somewhere within me was saying that it was true and that he would want to do that. I should not care if a teenage boy is sexually active! The stereotype after all is that teenage boys are the most lustful of any man. Yet, some part of me felt betrayed. I especially should not care if _this_ teenage boy was sexually active, I berated myself.

Despite that, I knew the last part of the rumour was not true. At least that part wasn’t true. Does the end of a rumor not being true negate the first part? I let my hopes get up. Eleanor was gentle and kind. With the time that I had spent with them, I knew nothing like that had happened nor would happen. It must only be a rumour, and rumours rarely have good sources.

“Oh, so when did this happen?” I asked, trying to make it sound like I was seeing it as only gossip.

“Last night.”

My heart had sunk to the point that it was ripping the soles of my feet. If it were true, he was ditching me to have sex with that girl. That would explain why he was late. Maybe, if he felt guilty it would also explain why he was so nice.

“Well, I wouldn’t have paired those two together.” Cassie said, laughing. “However, they are certainly more compatible than Ben and Carla.”

The two of them continued to giggle as I walked alongside. Sometimes I would join in but my mind was occupied. I just did not want to believe the rumours.

When I arrived home, I instantly got started with revision. Despite my dislike for it usually, at this moment it managed to keep my mind off of the rumour. It was a good distraction.

“Phil?” I heard calling up the stairs. It was Dan. “You’re not in the shower, right?”

I stood up and opened the door. I didn’t want to shout down. “No, but I need to get a few things out of there before you go in, OK?”

I heard heavy steps up the stairs so I quickly went to the bathroom. My flannel was in there which cools me down during revision. It gave me an excuse to go in and waste his time. It felt like often he was wasting my time and energy, so I wanted to finally get the opportunity to do the same - if only for a short moment.

My hands grabbed the flannel. I was going to leave but I needed to check my appearance in the mirror. Bags were drooping under my eyes, and some stress spots had started to develop. It looked as if I had had an awful day, and it certainly felt the same too. I leaned in closer to my face, gently poking the spots. I knew that was the wrong thing to do, but I just wanted them to disappear. I did not want anybody to see how I was feeling.

“Phil, can you leave?” The voice came from behind. Dan was standing there with just shorts on. This was just what my jealous, worried-self needed.

“S-sorry.” I turned around and looked at him. He looked a bit fed up. “Dan?”

“Phil.”

“Did you- did you have sex with Jess Grey?” I flinched a little as I heard the words come out of my mouth. I was usually not this forward, nor this blunt. This boy had messed with my head. Dan was changing me...

He thought for a little while. Then he laughed, realising the stem of my question.

“Listening to rumours, are we? People see things and say things. Things get twisted, some things stay true to the story. Her sister definitely saw some things.”

I felt shocked. That seemed like a confirmation. What else would her sister be shocked by which she saw?

“Do you even like her though?” It seemed like honest hour, so I kept pushing him. Normally I would have shrunk back at this point, but I needed to know.

“I can be honest with her. She smiles nicely. Most of what I tell her she forgets anyway – she is ditsy.”

That, to me, did not sound like a reason to like someone. You like someone because they understand you. The person you like should be able to nurture you and love you and remember all the special things about you. They should have shared interest. You should have some form of attraction to them. It seemed that they had no such attraction between each other.

“So, it is true then?”

“Why would you even care?” There he was, stubborn as always. Before I had thought we were making progress. Was I imagining the vulnerable Dan that I occasionally caught glimpses of? Every time I spoke with him, his honesty left as quickly as it came.

He walked towards me, tilting his head slightly. The confident smirk returned. He wasn’t going to act kind today – no, he was reverting back to his conceited, fearless self. I was going to fight back. Nothing he said was going to make me back down.

“Well clearly because I care for your well-being. I don’t want you wasting precious memories on an airhead who you don’t like.” That was not nearly as good as it sounded in my head.

“Or maybe.” I could tell his retaliation was going to be so much better. “It’s because you want me to waste it on you.”

I shuffled in my stance. I could feel my eyes widening in shock, but I wanted to keep a calm composure. His body continued to slowly come towards me.

“I can tell someone who likes me in an instant. I’ve seen it often with girls, and you’re no different. I can see even now as I walk closer towards you. You’re getting more nervous; your eyes are lost and your mouth is drooping open as if something is going to happen.”

Instinctively, my hand covered my mouth. How embarrassing.

“Why would I want someone like you?” I retorted. I needed to keep my composure. I decided to turn the embarrassed feelings into anger. “You’re self-centred and self-obsessed but can’t even talk about your own personality. You pride yourself on intelligence and organisation but you can’t even turn up on time. Furthermore, you can’t even answer a simple question.”

“So, you’re saying you would object to a kiss right now?”

By this point he was only hovering above me. I was pressed against the sink, with my hands on the faucet. His hand held him only inches away from me, as it lay on the counter.

“You would have more objections than me. You wouldn’t do it.” What a lame response, I thought to myself.

“I’ve never said that.”

His eyes connected with mine, then looked down at my lips. I made sure my mouth was shut. He slightly opened his own lips, licking them slightly. The cocoa eyes looked back into mine. The edges of his mouth curled up slightly as he looked at me. My heart could have stopped and I wouldn’t have noticed. Again, he peered at my lips. I licked them slightly as he closed the gap between us.

My eyes closed, embracing the magical moment.

The next thing I heard was a laugh. An evil laugh, tearing the moment away from me. I was deceived by his actions. He tricked me into thinking he was going to kiss me. What for? To prove a point or to show that I liked him? Any person I know would happily kiss this boy, attraction, or no attraction.

“Did you honestly think I was going to kiss you?”

I shook my head in denial. “Of course not. I wanted to see how far you would go.”

He laughed. “Well, that’s a lie, isn’t it?” I blushed. “Phil, to answer your question, I did not have sex with her. I only kissed her.”

I knew that was meant to make me feel better but it didn’t really. He stood back from me and began to take his shorts off, which was a clear signal for me to leave. I nodded at him, smiled, and then shut the door. Despite his supposed efforts, he was not doing well to put me off of him.

“Err – Phil!” He called me again. I didn’t walk in but instead stood by the door. “This is going to sound odd, so don’t take it wrong.” I agreed. I was angry with him, but I always wanted to hear his voice, so I let him speak.

“How you acted just then, it was really – like really – attractive. If you act like that, you’ll be able to get the lad of your dreams.” I yelled some form of curse word at him. Dan was probably just trying to get a reaction out of me.

As I walked away, I realised two things. One – he seemed awfully down for somebody who kissed a girl just yesterday. Two – he was wrong. I was not going to get the lad of my dreams, because that was him.


	6. Achieve

The day had rolled around – my results for _the_ exam.

Nerves rattled in my stomach. This began the day before, when I left the exam hall. It continued through the night: when I ate, when I washed and when I walked to school. I did not want to have done badly, but I wasn’t sure what I would do if I were to have the A*.

I imagined it in my head playing what my reaction would be over and over: my initial reaction would be to be excited. Even without Dan’s forfeit, it would be miraculous. I had never got an A* in Chemistry before. It would be first – and such a well-deserved first for the hard work that I put in during the previous weeks.

Then, I would feel nervous. I imagined how my hands would shake, twinges of excitement running through them like an undercurrent. This would be for the forfeit. Dan would have to go on a date with me, and it would be strange. I thought he would probably not treat it like a date but more of a platonic outing. However, despite him probably changing the nature of it, the ‘date’ would be special for me. It would be too amazing not to.

The nerves bubbled up more as I entered the classroom. The results were in envelopes, which we could open in privacy. I saw mine, lying on my desk. Everybody else was there, looking at theirs or chatting about the results. All I could focus on was the brown envelope. Quickly, I scurried towards it and grabbed it.

In my hands were the results.

Through my brain ran all the fears I had. I could have failed it, despite all my effort. This would make Dan laugh and probably never speak to me again. It could also make him disappointed, and then he would hate me. I could have been only marks off of what I wanted. It could have been the worst result I had ever received.

My fear and curiosity fought. They fought for me to open the envelope, or keep it sealed. The fear slapped my hand away from the flap, but my curiosity pulled it forward. The internal battle raged and my nerves bubbled even more viciously.

_You have to find out at some point._

I winced, but knew my curiosity was right. My hand reached for the flap and ripped it open. A single sheet of paper lay inside and carefully I took it out. My sight diverted away, still not wanting to look, but I glanced down, reading the paper.

_Phil Lester, Candidate number 7590, Centre number 21700_

This was mine. I had to check. I did not want disappointment. I knew my luck, and knew that I would look at the paper, see a good grade and then find out it was not mine. I sighed relief and then took a sharp intake of breath. It was time to look at my real result.

_Chemistry Paper 4, A*, 108 UMS_

My eyes widened, not believing what I saw in front of me. I, Philip Lester, had done well. Shock came over me instantly - shock and relief. The sharp intake of breath had escaped me, carrying most of the nerves with it. Now, I would have nothing to worry about.

“Can I have the photograph back now?”

From behind me came the familiar voice. Daniel Howell. He stood behind me, glancing over my shoulder. In my state of nerves I hadn’t even noticed him. I berated myself for being so clueless, for letting him see my vulnerable side constantly when I rarely caught glimpses of his.

I turned around. His head was tilted, and his glance moved to me. The rich brown eyes looked filled with pride, but not his regular, confident pride. It was like him being proud of something, or someone: me? It could have been me, or it could have been his hard work. For all I knew it was because he was proud of getting his photograph back. _It was the photograph_ , I didn’t let myself get my hopes up. Especially not right before our “date.”

It irked me that he was so proud of something I had done, without being proud of me. _He could not be proud of me_ , I thought to myself, _he should not be enjoying this moment._

“Photograph, please.”

How long had I been staring? I reached inside my inner blazer pocket, where I had kept the photograph for safety, and took it out. It was so cute, but I knew that it was right to give it back. I took one last glance at it and then slowly handed it over. He grasped it.

“Thanks. Also, well done on your result.”

I smiled at him, and he walked away. He didn’t reciprocate the smile. Gone was the sensitive Dan. _My sensitive Dan._ The thought popped into my head just as quickly as I pushed it out.

His head was downwards, looking at the photograph. Was he treasuring his childhood? It was rare for him to talk about anything from the past, so I assumed it was rare for him to think about. Did he think he had a bad childhood? He still was looking over it, smiling slightly.

_I wish he opened up more._

Then, I realised.

“Dan!” I yelled. The room hushed, with people looking over at me. I realised I said it too loudly, but I needed his attention. He would probably refuse, since I had given up my bounty. There was not much hope for me.

Dan began to walk over, presumably to shut me up. “Dan, you need to do your forfeit!” I exclaimed, only lowering my volume slightly. Not low enough.

Cassie heard me. I never told her much about the forfeit, but she was always on my side in these circumstances. She sauntered over, pushing her way into the conversation.

“If you’ve made a deal, you have to stick to it,” she proclaimed, jabbing Dan playfully with her elbow.

He shuffled a bit in his stance. His face did not look comfortable. “I’ll do something else,” he said quietly. “Just not that, sorry.”

I was ready to accept this. It was an unrealistic goal anyway. Realistically, he was never going to do it, so why did I get my hopes up?

“Do it! Do it!” Cassie began to chant, and other classmates joined in. Teenagers do this – they join in for the sake of it. None of them knew what was going on but still, they would join in. I knew it was harmless, but Dan didn’t. It seemed that he thought they knew about everything. He was embarrassed, but I did not know what for.

I looked at him. Concern ran through his face. His eyebrows furrowed together. Red filled his cheeks and his eyes darted around. Clearly he was uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do to stop it.

“C-Cass,” I started, but it was too late.

My hand was taken away. It was in the clasp of someone else. The clasp was cold but filled with sweat. I felt like I could slip out of it, but the grip was so tight. The chill of the hand sent shivers throughout my body. I looked up and saw Dan.

He moved me through the corridors. We passed classrooms, teachers, students, books, stairs and finally moved out of the door. We went through the side entrance, round the back and into the park. My body stopped by a tree, and finally I was freed.

But there was no explanation.

He stood there, out of breath, but staring at me. Just looking. No explanation.

_Why am I here? What is going on?_


	7. Daze

Outside, the wind blew between the trees. The sun shone down on us, but the cold air still made me shiver. It was too cold for my scattered state of mind..

“Dan,” I said, shivering slightly. “What are we doing here?”

He stood only a metre away. I leant against the tree behind me, trying to regain stature. I was confused, and with confusion brought a sense of illness and dizziness. Could he not just tell me why I was there?

Really, Dan had just taken me away from class without an explanation. Could this count as kidnap? I overreacted with the word, but I didn’t feel worried. It was confusion, simply confusion.

His lungs inflated and deflated rapidly. “Could you have not kept her quiet?” he asked, still out of breath. “It was embarrassing.”

This was frustrating. He thought he was embarrassed, but it was worse for me. I had to go through life, knowing I was not going to be as successful as people like him. I had to stand in there, being congratulated by him for doing well. It was embarrassing because for him, getting a grade like that was something he did every day.

“No, why should I have done that?” I yelled at him. My anger was pushing itself upwards. I couldn’t care about him anymore – I just needed to yell.

“It would have been better for me,” he said, much more quietly.

“Why should I care what is better for you? What about me?” I retorted. I felt that I was going to say something I would regret, but in the moment, I did not care. “I should worry about me, not the stupid guy I like. You won’t ever like me back so what’s the point? It was better for me to embarrass you since I get embarrassed by you regularly.” Crap. Did I really just say that out loud?

He looked up at me with furrowed brows. “You like me?” Crap.

It was the first time I admitted this. I thought about it but it was the first time I said it aloud. I _did_ like him. I thought he was amazing, but I never thought I would say it to him. I never thought I would have the opportunity to say it to him.

“Yes, but why do you care? You’ll just find it even better for you – you will feel you have an advantage and you will find confidence in it. All I’m doing is giving you confidence so you forget about it.”

“Do you think so little of me? You just said you liked me.”

Clearly, I didn’t little of him, but it seemed so from what I said. How I phrased it, it seemed that all I saw was his confidence. It seemed like I did not look deeper than that. I tried to look deeper, but often, it was difficult.

“Sometimes, it’s hard to think more of you. You don’t show emotion. You do not like a single thing in the world. You may as well just be your confidence and intelligence because there is not much else to you!”

This was harsh. He looked astounded by what I was saying. I couldn’t help but feel angry.

“It seems like all you do is think of yourself.”

“You think of me, though,” he added. This might’ve been his attempt to lighten the mood, but it just created more fury inside of me. _How arrogant._

“Do you know what? I wish I wouldn’t.” I felt the words bursting out of my mouth. It was as if I had been a balloon this whole time, filling with air, and this fight was like a pin. I popped, and all my feelings game gushing out. No part of my body was holding me back. “I wish that I had not met you, and that I had never thought that you were attractive.”

Dan smirked at me. I realised he was not trying to lighten the mood. He found this amusing – _typical_. “But you do find me attractive.”

I bit my tongue in an attempt to not retaliate, but I could not resist. “Yeah you’re attractive to _look_ at. I wish I could change your personality. You’re rude and obnoxious half the time, and just confusing the other half. Why not just be rude all the time if you dislike me like you seem to?”

“You think I don’t like you?”

I took a moment. In my rage of anger, I was spurting out every single thought I had about Dan. Often, in his normal confidence, he seemed that he disliked me due to the remarks he would use. I always believed that when he did that, it was because he didn’t like me much. However, once I thought about it, he did that with everybody.

I wondered. Was I the only person who saw the other half of him? For all I knew, I could have been the only person who saw his kinder side. The longer we knew each other, the kinder he became, despite the kindness being confined to times when we were alone. It didn’t seem like he showed this side to anyone but me.

God, how was I so ignorant before?

But in the heat of the moment, I decided that he could not like me. The negativity outweighed the positivity.

“Yeah. And you know what? I won’t like you either.”

His face fell. The smirk was no longer present. Dan’s eyes brought out a concerning look, staring back at me. The confidence was wiped away.

I liked it. It made me feel more confident in my speech.

“That’s right. I-I’m going to find something else to preoccupy myself with. I can develop a crush on someone else – maybe go out with Oliver. I don’t care how I do it; I’m going to do it. I’m going to forget about you.”

He continued to stare at me. His head tilted, and his eyebrows came closer together. It was if he was going to cry. I was starting to question whether he knew that in my vocabulary, ‘like’ means romantically, not just generally. I never thought he would be interested otherwise. Dan must have not realised the true meaning of what I was saying.

But then his face lit up. The concern washed away, and the confidence returned. I sighed internally. ‘My’ Dan was gone, the World’s Dan back. His eyebrows were still down, but his smirk came up. The brown eyes widened and he took a step towards me. There was next to no space between us.

“No, you’re not. You’re _never_ going to forget about me.”

His hand slid around my back, lifting up my tucked in shirt slightly. The hand was on my skin. I felt electric shocks between us as he put his hand further up my back. My eyes were glued on him – glued on his lips.

Suddenly, I saw his tongue peak out of his lips. His teeth grabbed a bit of his flesh as he smirked slightly. They scratched backwards until his lower lip was free. The smirk continued, enticing me in.

My glance moved upwards. He was staring directly into my eyes. All around his face, there were no wrinkles – he was relaxed. Our eyes locked, creating butterflies throughout my body. Dan broke the contact with a swift glance at my lips.

And that was all it took.

The hand pulled me closer. My heart pounded at first contact. He tilted his head just so our noses were touching. Then, the lips collided. It was first a simple peck. My heart fluttered.

He took a moment. His other hand was on the back of my neck. I looked at him. _It must be a dream, it must be_.

Then he brought me into a passionate kiss. It was fiery, building flames. Our heads were locked, with no freedom. My eyes were glued shut as I let him take the wheel. His hands grasped tighter. He was lost in me, and me in him. He grabbed onto my lower lip with his teeth. Then I knew it was not a dream.

I retaliated with fire. The fire of my anger and pain. I pushed against him, bringing force. My hands reached around him, pulling him closer to me. It felt warm and comforting, yet I still wanted revenge. My heart was racing, pounding.

Dan pulled away suddenly.

My hands lowered and I was brought back to reality. Confusion filled my body and I just stared at him. I could not do anything else.

“Dan?” I whispered, seeing his confusion too. He looked confused, but was clearly trying to pass it off as something else. It seemed that Dan was trying to convince me that he had a reason to do that.

“Phil. You will not forget about me – you cannot like everybody else.”

He turned around and marched out the gate. There was no glance back. Nothing. There was no real explanation. I was just left to take care for my dazed self.

 


	8. Jealousy

I never got an explanation. Time progressed but he ignored me. What little time we had spent together decreased to almost no time. Dan had barely spent any time in the house, but I could not ask him why. I did not have the courage to speak to him.

It was reaching the end of the year. Exam leave was coming up, and lessons were getting stressful. I was working hard to achieve two As and a B in my A-Levels to go to York for film studies. I didn’t know what Dan was hoping to do at university; I just assumed it wouldn’t be in the same city, so I didn’t want to upset myself.

Most of my time was taken up in the library. I was surrounded by people more intelligent than me all the time, but Dan was never there. At times, he faded from my mind. Only for small periods it disappeared, and then I would see him; the memories would flood back. I could not push away my obsession. The library was the only place where I could forget. And even there, forgetting him was rare.

That was until mid-April. There were only 8 weeks until we would leave for study leave. I was becoming comfortable again with being alone, and forgetting about Dan completely this time. Nobody in there reminded me of him, and he was rarely home so I was free to forget. I could forget about the confusion, confidence, and kiss. Until mid-April.

I was sitting at my usual table – a table for four in the corner of the library. It was surrounded by book shelves and mostly closed off from the rest of the library, which meant that it was the quietest seat I could find. Light shone in from a single window during the day, making it bright and easy to study. The seats were ergonomic and comfortable. It was my favourite seat, and I felt I had claimed it as nobody would try and sit near me.

In mid-April, what changed was my solitude. Two girls had asked if they could sit with me. They were best friends: Heera Basra and Georgia Bellows.

Georgia was friendly. She was the one to originally ask me if they could sit with us. We didn’t have much in common, but she was always kind. Like many girls in my year, she mostly cared for her appearance, gossip, and makeup. I never thought this was bad, but it wasn’t something I could talk about – I knew nothing about it. I knew this about her: she was pretty. She had long blonde hair, bright, piercing green eyes, pale skin and freckles. Her style was refined and glamorous.

However, Heera was a really nice person who I would even call a friend. She was equally as beautiful. Heera had dark, almost black, hair. It was short, but curled. Her darker complexion complemented this. The difference between the girls was Heera’s personality. She was well educated on people; she was aware of difference social backgrounds and different cultures. Her family was Indian and moved from their home city in now-Pakistan when they gained independence. Due to them not being muslim, they felt they could not stay in Pakistan. This made her glad for her situation. It also made her more humble and easier to talk to.

They sat with me. Originally, they just sat to study, as I did. However, after a few days they started to talk slightly and gossip, joining me in. Georgia liked to tell the stories, whilst Heera would listen. However, this particular day, that wasn’t the case.

“Did I tell you what I am doing on Saturday?” Heera whispered to Georgia. It usually started like this. Subtle, secretive, and mysterious.

Georgia looked up from her History work. It looked like she was glaring at Heera. “Sorry,” Heera quickly said “Go on! Get back to the Boer wars!”

Then Georgia furrowed her brows. Clearly, she didn’t want Heera to stop, despite the look she gave her. “South Africa can wait; I love gossip.”

Heera smiled widely, shifting herself to the side of the chair. She had a proud face on. “Guess!” she exclaimed, before covering her mouth. She had my attention – I was going to hear the gossip too.

“Hmm.” Georgia was thinking – thinking hard. She was delving deep into her mind for the possibilities. “Going to Madrid?”

Heera shook her head vigorously, keeping the winning smile on her face. “Getting a car?” Georgia exclaimed. I was wondering if they had forgotten I was there – they didn’t seem to care about their volume now.

“Do you think my Dad would do that? He barely trusts me on the road.” The two girls giggled together.

“OK, one more guess,” Heera said.

Georgia released some hums and ha’s. She delved into her brain. “Is it something about the boy you have been seeing?”

Heera smirked. She nodded proudly. Her face revealed how happy she was. “Yeah, finally he gave up – we are going on a date on Saturday.”

Georgia’s eyes widened, her jaw dropped. She looked completely shocked. Honestly, I was confused – most guys would happily go on a date with Heera, so why was she so surprised?

“You’re going on a date!” Georgia screamed. It was loud and distracting. At this point I wasn’t trying to pretend that I wasn’t listening. My eyes were on them.

Heera shushed her immediately before Georgia continued. “You’re going on a date with Daniel Howell!”

My eyes were glued onto Heera. Shock filled me. I got the impression that Dan was not into girls at this point. _I was wrong._ I watched her intensely. Some part of me thought she was lying to get a reaction from me. Maybe she knew something? It would be completely unlike Heera.

“Yeah,” Heera responded. “We are!”

Georgia flapped her hand excitedly at Heera. I wish I could replicate the happiness, but no ounce of happiness came from me. I couldn’t help but feel that there was something wrong in the situation. I felt angry.

“Oh my gosh! Where? When?” Georgia asked.

“Saturday! We are going to the cinema at 3pm.” Georgia nodded, smiling at Heera as she spoke.

“Promise not to come!” Heera said, jokingly punching her friend. The other girl agreed, giggling along with her friend.

With this, an idea came into my head. It was wrong and weird but I knew that I needed to do something to finalise everything with Dan. He was driving me mad, so I needed to find out for myself – was he truly interested in a girl? I thought maybe I should go to the cinema.

I knew I couldn’t go alone.

“I’m going to go,” I said quickly, standing up. I waved bye to Heera and Georgia. They looked slightly guilty as if they wondered if they scared me away.

It was the lunch break. I needed to find Oliver. The best place to find him would be in the dining room. Swiftly, I found the main doors and launched in. Everywhere, there were students. _How will I find him?_ My heart was racing. My eyes scanned the room.

I spotted him. Down at the other end, walking in. He had a tray, looking down to my end of the room. As he spotted me, his eyes lit up. He smiled at me, walking towards me.

“Phil!” he called.

I walked towards him. “Oliver!”

His face always lit up when he saw me. He flipped his long floppy hair to the side, trying to show more of his face. Oliver always thought that I would find him attractive if I saw more of his face.

“Oliver, I need a favour.”

“Anything! Anything.”

I stood there for a moment. I could back out now. Oliver would definitely want to go out with me, but he probably wouldn’t agree if he knew my motive.

“Can we go out on Saturday?”

His face lit up. He took his hand to move his hair behind his ear. _Wanting to show his face again._

“Just the two of us,” I continued. “The cinema, 3pm?”

A smile appeared on his face. He nodded energetically. I felt a bit bad for using him, but I needed to. I wanted to see if Dan truly liked Heera.

 


	9. Favour

The cinema was only a few blocks away from the Howell household. It was old-fashioned and community ran. Outside, lights in blue and red outlined the building, with white lights creating the word ‘Playhouse’. Posters adorned the exterior walls, showing the recent blockbusters. I sat at the bus-stop outside, waiting for Oliver to come.

However, I was not searching for Oliver: I was searching for Dan or Heera. I knew that at some point they were going to come, and I was going to watch them. I made it clear to Oliver that we would decide what film we were watching when we arrived so we could go into the same one. It was devious and strange, but it felt necessary.

It was a crowded day for the cinema. Only the night before, a hugely awaited film had come out. It had romance, violence, science fiction and comedy – everybody was excited for it. Massive amounts of people were lining up outside to see it in the huge cinema room. There were so many people that I was not sure if I would find Dan and Heera, but I hoped.

I stood up, trying to get a better view. I was tall, so could see above the heads. This would have given me a vantage point to see Dan, as he would be one of the only other tall people in the crowd. My eyes darted around, but I couldn’t see anybody I knew.

“Phil!” I heard from behind. Quickly, I darted around to see Oliver standing behind me.

I smiled at him happily. Even though I was using him, I wanted him to have a good day. If I could make somebody happy, it made me feel wonderful, so that was another aim for the day.

“Oh! I didn’t see you,” I said, beaming at him. “It’s very busy today, so it is difficult to find people.”

He nodded at me and smiled back. “Yeah, I know! I was here for 5 minutes before I found you.” Oliver’s eyes darted around. “And with so many people, we are bound to see someone else from school.”

I groaned slightly to keep up appearances. Usually, I would complain to my friends about seeing people from school. You never want to see people you don’t get on with, or teachers outside of school – it makes for an awkward interaction. However, today was different. All of my heart and soul wanted to see Dan.

“Anyway,” Oliver continued. “Should we get into the queue?”

We shuffled into the queue. There was only one queue, as the left side ticket office had not opened. I stood facing Oliver whilst looking around. I could not see Dan nor Heera anywhere.

“Phil? Are you OK? You keep on looking around everywhere,” Oliver asked. I did not want him to notice.

I nodded at him quickly. “Yeah, fine. Just a bit nervous because I don’t want to see people from school.” This was the exact opposite of how I felt. I _was_ nervous to see Dan, but I wanted to see him. I was worried he would not be there and I would be disappointed.

He smiled at me, trying to be comforting. “I’ll protect you if that happens! Anyway, what film are we going to see?”

I looked into his eyes. Panic arose in me, but I couldn’t let that out. I needed to stall to find Dan, and then find out which film he was watching. My plan was unlikely to work at this point, but I was hoping.

“What film would you like to see?” I asked.

“Like almost everybody here, probably 54 Pinehurst Lane…” he began. Oliver continued to speak but I did not listen. My eyes were darting from place to place. I was looking all in front of me but there was no success. I began to turn towards the left side, where the ticket office had just opened.

Oliver’s hand went to stop me. “Don’t do that, Phil,” he whispered, looking directly into my eyes.

“Why?”

“Well,” he said, giving me a weak smile. “You said you were nervous of seeing someone we know, so don’t turn around.”

This could have been what I was waiting for. “Who is it?” I enquired.

“Heera Basra and Daniel Howell,” he replied.

Instantly I moved to turn around, but I saw neither of them. Instead, I bumped into a large, broad man and his coffee. The coffee had spilled all over him. I looked towards him sympathetically, but his face was filled with anger.

The man was large. Muscles covered the surface of his skin, which he was showing off with his vest. He had a shaven head, revealing redness from sunburn. The man wore jeans with chains hanging down from them and large boots. It was not the sort of man I would talk to.

“What do ya’ think you’re doing, lad?” he yelled.

Most people did not turn their heads. The phrase could have been used by anyone in the area as a friendly greeting, but this certainly was not one of them. I was trembling in my shoes.

“Nothing. I mean, I’m sorry sir,” I said, looking at him. He was the same size as me, yet I felt like I was two feet shorter. Nerves came over me.

“You will be when my friends come for ya’,” he replied, taking a step forward. The coffee cup was on the floor.

I could feel the blood rushing down from my face to the floor. I felt queasy. There was no easy way out of this situation.

“What are you going to do about it?” he screamed into my face. The man was aggressive beyond belief – I was certain that whatever I would say wouldn’t be good enough for him.

My heart was pounding in my chest. What was I meant to do?

“I’ll buy... b-buy you a new coffee,” I responded, stuttering immensely.

He grinned at me. There was no friendliness in his smile, only despise and anger. It was a smile which the devil could have recreated. It was as if the man wanted me dead. “Not good enough lad. Do you think a coffee will remove this stain from me _Armani_ vest?”

I shook my head and looked down. Me and my Dad did not even have a house; I couldn’t find the money to replace somebody’s _Armani_ vest.

“Hey, he offered to pay for the coffee, calm down.”

I heard a male voice from the side of me. It must have been Oliver. I did not want to move my head in fear that this man would do something which I could not see. I was stiff in a fixed position, unable to move.

“Lad, mind your own business. Alright?” The man was glaring at the other person now, shifting his attention from me. I looked down, releasing a deep breath.

“This is my business,” the other boy replied.

“What the hell? You only just arrived here. How is this your business, mate?” the larger man yelled. It couldn’t have been Oliver; he was there the entire time. Maybe the aggressive man didn’t notice him.

I turned to look, finally braving the man’s wrath. Oliver was not standing to the side of me, but was instead cowering behind me. He was shaking slightly, but looking like he was trying to build up the courage to say something. Instead, Dan was standing there, smirking. It was one of the only times I would say his confidence was useful.

My eyes locked with his. He nodded slightly. It was an acknowledgement of me, which was more than he had given me recently. I nodded back, waiting for something to happen. It looked like he had a plan but I didn’t know what it was, nor why he was bothering with it.

Oliver finally perked up, despite looking nervous. “It’s all our business, you big bully!” Oliver yelled. It was not a good thing to shout, but it was good enough to distract the man. Anger filled the face of the man, but Dan was still in the way.

He looked towards Dan. “Are these your friends? Let me sort them out for you,” he said, cracking his knuckles. After all this talk it seemed like this was when he would make his move. Concerns filled me.

“Run.”

My hand was taken into a hand and whizzed away. Yelling came from behind but I could not understand it . I looked forward and moved my legs, willing them not to trip me up.

We travelled down the road, through a park and some alleyways, up a fire-exit and to the roof. My legs were able to stop once we were at the tallest point in the town. It was a large block of flats, with a view of the town. I kneeled down, attempting to regain my breath.

“Sorry about that.”

The voice was the same voice which said to run, and the same which interrupted. I wheezed. I could not reply but I could look: I saw Dan. My mind began to try and process everything that was going on, but to no avail – no perfect piece would fit my mystery. Why would he save _me_? Especially after all that happened…

“It looks like we lost him.”

I nodded at him. I walked to stand next to him and look over the town. It was a beautiful view. The hills in the background framed the settlement. My eyes glanced at the grey, stone buildings. Finally, I could appreciate the placement of parks and buildings. It was truly beautiful.

“Wow,” I whispered. I could barely talk.

He took a deep intake of breath. “Yeah, I know. This is my favourite place. I wanted to take you here.” Dan paused for a moment – a long moment. “Nobody would find us here, it’s safe. That’s why.”

I nodded, still taking in the view.

“Will Oliver be OK? What about Heera?” It only occurred to me that two people were lost. Oliver made himself known, and Heera would feel lost in the situation. How could Dan have left Heera, who was his date?

Dan simply shrugged. “They will look after each other. They don’t matter.”

I felt shocked. Dan was meant to be interested in Heera and was supposed to look after her. I did not understand why he was so relaxed about it.

“You’re meant to like Heera though,” I responded, looking at him.

He smiled at me. It was not as if he needed to lie to me – the whole school would know soon. Dan could easily tell me that they were dating. For him, it would be a benefit as it would make me jealous.

“I’m meant to, but that doesn’t mean I do,” he said, shrugging. “It isn’t her that I like.”

Yet again, I was confused. It began to be a reoccurring theme with Dan. He was never plain and simple – often he would say things that contradict his actions. It never seemed straightforward, but maybe that was part of the attraction to him.

Something which was not part of the attraction was how he treated people. He was using Heera. It seemed wrong to use somebody so kind, despite it being in my best interests for that. I wanted to hit him.

“Dan. Why are you on a date with her if you don’t like her?”

He took a breath. From the look on his face, he was not proud of it either. “I needed to prove something to myself. I know the answer now.”

“The answer to what?”

It was rare that he didn’t know something. He was so clever; it was almost taken for granted that he knew everything possible.

“Something I didn’t know before. I know now. I can make it better now,” he mumbled. This shy, quiet version of Dan was rare. I didn’t know this version of him, and it seemed he didn’t either.

I didn’t want to astound him in his confusion. Instead, I nodded and looked forward. We did not speak, or look at each other. We stood together and stared at the sky, observing our thoughts.

 


	10. Begin

My adult life was about to start. It was the final day of school and therefore probably the final day we would be spending completely together.

We sat at breakfast, with Eleanor gushing over us. “My two big lads making speeches! I’m so proud,” she kept on exclaiming. At our leavers mass, which was held at the school church, we were making speeches as _Top of the Year_ and _Class President_ pupils. It was nerve wracking for me, but I always assumed Dan would be able to easily cope with it.

“Is your speech ready to go, Phil?” she asked me, whilst pouring water into my glass. I beamed at her and nodded. I was nervous, but excited. My efforts had finally given me the role of class president.

We were made to write speeches about our last two years, difficulties, and our best memories. As the _Class President,_ I wanted to talk about my lack of enjoyment in education, but how that did not lead to no success. I wanted it to be inspiring to those around me.

I had absolutely no clue what Dan wrote his on. He was an excellent writer (well, he was excellent at everything) and therefore would have a good speech. However, I couldn’t think of difficulties he had experienced. He had always been academically excellent, so I didn’t know what sort of speech he could have written.

“And yours, Dan. Is your speech all ready?” she asked Dan, giving him a big smile. She was so proud of her son, and that was right too.

He shrugged. “Well, I’m making major adjustments, but it will all be good for today,” he said, looking down at his lap. There was a sheet sitting there, but I couldn’t read any of the words: all I could see were scribbles and crossings out. Despite me thinking that he wouldn’t have much to write, he must have had loads of ideas.

I was intrigued, but thought that I could wait till the speech. It wouldn’t be anything important anyway – it would just be some extra academic achievements or something. Eleanor, however, was really interested. “Oh, what adjustments? You were having trouble writing the speech when you got back from the cinema; how do you have so many ideas now?”

Dan didn’t look up at her to respond. His eyes were still glued to the sheet of paper. “I’m just trying to think of different wording,” he said, putting a pen in his mouth and thinking. “It needs to get my point across whilst still being vague.”

Eleanor looked confused at this. There was no reason to be vague in this sort of speech – it was to celebrate academic achievements, of which he had many. “Daniel, there is no need for you to not be straight with them all. You’re excellent. Don’t feel you’re bragging because you have earned all of these achievements.”

However, Dan wasn’t worried about bragging. He gave a little snort when he heard the word ‘bragging’. “My speech isn’t on my academic achievements, mum. That would be too simple.” He moved his eyes up, looking at me. There was none of his normal confidence brewing in his eyes, nor any displeasure. He was clearly thinking deeply, and took me as just something to look at.

I gave him a weak smile and he looked back down. He was scribbling something. It seemed urgent, as if an idea had just come into his mind. That sheet mustn’t have been his speech sheet, otherwise it would have been ruined at this point.

“Oh – OK?” his mother said in response, feeling completely confused but trying to continue in her happy ways. “Well, I’m sure it will go brilliantly!”

I laughed a bit at this point. I didn’t think it would go brilliantly, but I was happy that somebody had faith in me. I was very nervous but was also fairly certain nothing would go awfully wrong.

“Oh Phil! You know there is no need for you to be nervous,” Eleanor exclaimed. She knew how I was feeling, so she also knew I wasn’t so nervous that I was going to be sick.

I laughed again, smiling at her this time. “I know, it’s just I feel like something will go wrong or something unexpected will happen.” She gifted me a reassuring smile. I was sure that she was right, but in these situations, you can’t help but feel that way.

“We all feel like that, but it never happens,” she said, aiming to reassure. I knew that too, but that feeling still laid in my stomach.

Dan, only just registering our words due to his brain concentrating on his speech, looked up from the paper. He gave a look to me, as if he was about to burst out with a smile or a laugh. He stood up from his chair and pushed it in. “I’d expect the unexpected,” he said, looking at me with a grin. “However, it certainly will not go wrong.”

He extended his confident grin at me. His eyes moved to his mother and then to mine. The second time our eyes locked, he raised his eyebrows. There was something he was doing, but I couldn’t tell what. Surely, he wouldn’t cause havoc on his final day in school.

Dan then turned and exited the room, leaving just me and Eleanor to decipher his cryptic messages. However, neither of us had a clue. One of the main things about Dan was the fact that he was secretive of his mind, and he knew how to keep it that way. He would give us clues, yet we still wouldn’t know how to work his brain out. It was an impossible puzzle.

“I don’t know how I made such a difficult child,” Eleanor said, gazing at the door.

There was a short pause. “Well, this didn’t prove to be helpful for my nerves,” I replied. “If anything, it has made all my nerves about 10 times worse.”

 


	11. Who

It was 2 in the afternoon. I sat in my seat, looking around the church. It was a very old English church, with wooden rows, stone pillars and stained-glass windows at the on the walls. The school choir stood at the back on the balcony, singing lightly as people arrived.

I sat at the front with those who were reading the gospel, teachers and Dan. Dan and I were saying our speeches at the end, just before the typical PowerPoint with awful pictures from throughout our time at school. I was extremely nervous whilst waiting, but there was no getting out of it.

The bell at the top of the tower started to ring, signalling that the service was about to begin. We all stood up as the hymns began and started to sing. I sang along quietly, as nerves welled in my stomach. These nerves were what carried the service quickly, meaning that it felt like only seconds between the start of the service and when I had to go up to make my speech.

Even better, I was going first.

I went up to the stand and took out my letter from my pocket. I looked over to the priest, who introduced me. Then the nerves surfaced and exploded as I began to speak.

“When I joined this school, I thought that there was no chance of doing well. In fact, many people would say it would be impossible for me to achieve good A levels. I started to believe that I would never get into university to do something I wanted. It seemed nearly impossible to me…”

I took a deep breath. I knew that I was just saying a generic speech which nobody wanted to hear. In fact, I saw somebody in the crowd yawning. I had to continue, but I needed somebody to look interested. My eyes drifted down to my sheet again.

“At the end of last year, when we received our predicted grades, I was predicted to get three B’s. I know those are wonderful predictions. However, that came after begging my teachers to increase the grade, so that I would have chance with university applications. In reality, they were going to put two Cs and a D – grades which would never get me into a good university for film studies.

It took convincing and some promises for studying which I, if I’m honest, had no intention of doing. I simply didn’t believe in myself. However, at the beginning of the year, I had a reality check when my house burned down. With this, I gained some spirit and encouragement to study. Then, I got some help in studying…”

My eyes drifted towards Dan. He looked like he was listening intently. My mouth stopped moving. Dan’s face looked so intensely at me, whilst also looking nervous. He had no reason to be nervous – he had done speeches in school before and had so many academic achievements he could list. It worried me slightly. But then, he gave me the largest, most encouraging smile that I had ever received. It willed me to continue.

“I was helped by the most brilliant individual – who you will hear from next.” I couldn’t bear to look down at his face to see the reaction. I didn’t want to know whether he liked being complimented by me or not. “And this improved my grades incredibly. It showed me that I could be brilliant, but I needed extra work at it. This encouraged me and made me believe that I could do well. This helped me to be able to leave today, realistically aiming for two As and a B, despite me not thinking that was even possible a year ago.

“But grades are not everything. I knew that I would be happy if I didn’t leave with good grades. I stood by the fact that I would just inherit my father’s café, but now I can go on and do what I want, rather than relying on my father. No matter what, good grades or not, I will be happy, and I know that.”

I took a step down from the front to signify the end of the speech. Everybody clapped enthusiastically. It was short but sweet – nobody would want to be sitting around disinterested for a long time. I smiled to Dan, but he didn’t look at me; he just looked down at his crumpled sheet with scribbles: it was all he had to prompt him.

My legs carried me to the seat, passing Dan on the way. We exchanged final looks. I looked deep into his eyes, trying to read his face. He wasn’t acting in any way that I had seen before; he was worried. When we glanced at each other, he took a sharp intake of breath and did not even give a small smile. It was a glance – one which I couldn’t dissect.

He stood at the podium, looking out to the church congregation. Another sharp intake of breath was taken before he began to speak. His voice was still confident – you could only tell by his body language that he was nervous.

“I’m going to be honest, last night I had a huge speech filled with academic achievements, but it didn’t feel apt for how this year has been for me. I’ve had academic achievements all my life, and it feels rather bland to talk about that, so I thought I should talk about something new. That’s why I may seem a bit disjointed and confused, as this is my prompt sheet.”

He flipped his sheet around to reveal the scribbles and crumples. The crowd laughed slightly, adding relief to his face. It was rare for him to be okay with such informalities. The things that graduating high school can do to a person, I thought to myself.

“Throughout my life, I have been successful in academia, but never with people. I’ve never been socially inept, but I just didn’t feel I understood people. It was my biggest difficulty in school, given that school is basically a huge hub for people trying to socialise to get away from their academic responsibilities.” Another laugh came out. He was doing well. “I was never too bothered to avoid homework, and was fairly happy to avoid people so staying at home doing homework instead of partying didn’t faze me.

“In all honesty, I never knew what it was like to care about another student truly until this year. I had always cared for my family, but never for a friend. It came to me by surprise, and frustrated me honestly, because I didn’t know how to express my feelings to them, as I had never done so before. Probably what frustrated me the most was the fact that I didn’t know I was missing so much.

“I always heard of pushy parents for school work, but my parents were always pushing me to get friends. I never understood it, but after feeling such joy with this person, it made me realise why. What I have truly learned this year is that love should be expressed, even when you don’t feel comfortable with it. Connections with people mean much more than just academic achievements.”

Applause followed him to his seat. It wasn’t loud, raucous applause, but polite applause. The students were confused – he never acted like this. The parents weren’t pleased, as the intelligent person in the year was saying how academics didn’t mean much, which was not what they wanted to hear.

The lights dimmed and the PowerPoint with the embarrassing pictures began. There were stupid pictures from all our years in school, but I wasn’t too focused on them. They were funny, but not interesting. I just wanted to know what was going on in Dan’s head, but I also needed to accept that I would never truly know.

My eyes looked to the side of me, glancing at Dan’s face. He looked happier than before, but not all of the nerves had disappeared. We locked eyes. He looked as he had been caught committing a crime, a deer in headlights.

“Who were you on about?” I whispered to him.

He looked as if he was trying to read my face, but he was getting nothing. It was the opposite to how it usually was. “You didn’t know?”

I shook my head. How would I know? He gave absolutely no signals to this ‘special person’ in his life. It wasn’t like I knew everything about him anymore – he kept most things secret from me. Half the time, I wouldn’t even know where he was.

“You’ll find out.”


	12. Now

The PowerPoint ended, soeverybody stood up and began to chat. I just stayed in my seat, trying to think. It was the final moment of my school life and I felt overwhelmed by it. Everything had ended. I felt empty.

“Good job, boys,” said a passing-by teacher, bringing me back to reality.

It was a new reality. The whole of the past year was a reality. It all seemed surreal; I had been a high achiever academically, I had tremendously grown as a person, and I had gotten to know this person who I had fantasised about for years. It all had happened in a whirlwind of a year.

I took a deep breath to wake me up from this depth of thought. My eyes started to dart around as I tried to get my body working again. Reality needed to hit home so I wouldn’t look completely out of it.

As I was doing this, I saw a shadow pass in front of me and stop. It was Heera, coming to talk to Dan. I had no clue what had happened between the two of them after the cinema trip, but I assumed they were still friends.

“You did wonderful up there,” she said. “The both of you – they were both wonderful speeches.” This caught my attention. I couldn’t just ignore the girl – she was too kind to ignore. I pulled myself out of the daze and looked at her. She was mostly staring at Dan, who looked in an equal daze.

I smiled at her. “Thank you, I was really nervous.” She smiled back, insisting that I didn’t seem nervous. Dan still never responded.

“Dan, are you feeling fine?” She asked with concern. He nodded vigorously, but still looked out of it. “You don’t look fine,” she continued. “Do you need me to take you to your parents?”

This seemed such a strange question to me, as clearly, I would be seeing his parents too. Why couldn’t she just leave me to it? Then I remembered: they must have been close and wanted alone time. It _must_ have been that, and really, I should have respected their privacy.

“No,” he said abruptly. “Phil could always do that. There is no need.”

Dan had crawled out of the daze and was more attentive now. His head was up and looking at Heera, but he had no pleasant look on his face. I wondered why his face looked so unpleasant.

“Oh,” Heera responded, sounding slightly hurt. She had clearly wanted to have a good time whilst speaking to Dan, but this was not good. “So, who were you talking about in the speech?” She was trying to sound more hopeful at this point.

Dan gave a glance to me. We were both about to find out and we were probably both equally as interested. He looked a bit pained, as if he really didn’t want to be asked this question. “A human being,” he said, trying to smirk but it really wasn’t appearing like usual. He looked really out of it.

“Which human being, Dan?” Heera continued, pushing for an answer.

Dan looked irritated. “I’m a bit unwell at the moment Heera. Can you go away?” Dan snapped, raising his eyebrows.

Heera was taken back by this. Dan, despite his confidence and forwardness, never snapped at anybody. He was usually very subtle with his insults, whilst getting the point across. This wasn’t subtle at all, but it got the point across completely.

Clearly, Heera did not want to take the point. “No,” she said. “I’m not going till you apologise. That was rude and uncalled for. I’ll go when you apologise.”

Dan laughed. It was a spark of his usual confidence, but not the full thing. “Fine then,” he said, clearly annoyed. “We’ll go then. Bye Heera.”

He stood up abruptly and took my hand. He yanked me up and pulled me away from the girl and outside. He took large, strong strides towards the park. It was turning dark, with a few stars entering the sky, shining down on us. They lit up our hands, which were clasped together. I could not stop staring at them.

The boy placed me up against a tree, him standing a bit back from me. I didn’t dare move – I only looked at him. He didn’t look confident. If anything, he looked worried. His eyes were focused on me, waiting for me to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth. Instead, he had to initiate the conversation.

“Are you not going to ask?” he inquired.

“Ask what?”

“Who I was talking about.”

I shook my head. At this point, I had given up. Of course, he wouldn’t speak about me; I was some insignificant person in his life. Daniel Howell could not care a single bit about me. If it weren’t about me, why should I care.

He tried again. “Do you not want to know?”

I was conflicted, but I wanted to seem strong. Again, I shook my head. Deep inside, I did want to know, but I really wanted to avoid the disappointment. At this point, I expected confusion and disappointment from Dan so I chose to avoid it.

He looked a bit angry. It looked like he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to know. In fairness, I had been borderline obsessed with him for years. “Do you not care?”

His tone was angry, as if I had done something wrong. This made me angry. It was like he wanted a reaction out of me, and I couldn’t resist giving it to him. It felt like he wanted to purposely cut into my chest and rip my heart apart, and I was beginning to assist him.

“Of course, I care, Jesus.” My eyes became daggers and stabbed him. He looked a bit angry, but more like he was concentrating on me. “I just don’t want to be let down. That’d hurt too much.”

I’d confessed parts of my feelings. Now, there was no point in hiding much – I already admitted that I cared, what else did he want to know?

“I’m hoping it won’t hurt,” he said more quietly. The anger escaped and he was just concentrating on my face. He only stood centimetres away from me, but it felt like miles. “It shouldn’t hurt one bit.”

I took a deep breath. “How could I not be disappointed given it won’t be what I want to hear.”

Dan looked at me, smiling. “I’m really quite amazed by you,” he said. “How can you be so oblivious?”

“I guess cause I’m so stupid,” I said. It felt like he was about to start talking about my insecurities and I felt like I should beat him to it. He was about to break my heart – I couldn’t let him get me down even more. “And I’m annoying, and weird and generally awful. I know.”

“What? No.” I felt shocked at this response. Usually he would happily insult me, but not this time. “You’re the first person who has ever made me so intrigued and interested. I’m never interested in people, but it’s different with you.”

It was a strange occasion where he was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t working properly. All I could think was how awful I was and how I couldn’t do a thing. Nothing he did made me feel better.

“Why are you saying this to me?” I responded quizzically. I didn’t know if I felt shocked, confused, or angry. I couldn’t truly understand my feelings since so many thoughts were entering my head in that moment. Was he joking? Did he feel that he needed to comfort me?

“Well.” His eyes locked with mine. Quickly, I looked away. Everything felt so serious in this moment, and I just simply wasn’t prepared for it. “I’m saying it because it’s true – all of it.”

I laughed lightly. I wanted to diffuse the tension. Our eyes locked again, and I could tell the tension wasn’t diffused. Again, my eyes darted away.

“You really don’t know? God, do I have to spell it out for you?” he said, slightly jokingly. However, this joke hurt me slightly. With all this tension, I couldn’t tell jokes from reality and therefore I thought it was a genuine insult.

I responded quickly. “Yeah, you do, ‘cause I’m stupid.”

He moved his head so that I couldn’t avoid his eyes. Dan’s face was soft, with a confusing expression – I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but then again, I never could. “You’re anything but stupid, or awful, or weird, or annoying. Let me prove it.”

Butterflies grew in my stomach. _This could go either way,_ I thought.

“You say you’re stupid but you’re not. A stupid person does not achieve what you achieve. You proved that today – you achieved something you did not believe you could. It was something which you thought was inaccessible, but you still managed it.”

He took a small step forward, smirking. It was still not his usual smirk. It was strange. It made the air thinner and the stars brighter. I felt like I was at twenty thousand feet with him, and I was having extreme altitude sickness. I felt light headed and sick, but I still wanted to continue.

Finally, I could understand how I felt. I felt self-conscious because I was not used to him being so kind, but I also wanted him to continue with the compliments. I knew that if I insulted myself, he would retaliate. My happiness was being fed on his compliments, and I just wanted to hear them, in the fear that this would be the only time in my life that I would receive them.

“And you believe that you do not deserve the attention others receive. You hide yourself away from most people because you don’t think you would fit in. Phil, you may not be someone’s definition of normal, but that does not mean you don’t fit in. Your personality is amazing. Never have I met somebody with such a beautiful personality.” Dan’s eyes went to the floor. When he looked back up, he was smiling. The smile was the biggest smile I had seen from him. I didn’t know whether or not I believed him, until I saw the look in his eyes.

He took another small step closer to me. Me and Daniel Howell, only centimetres away from each other. My heart was racing.

“It was in the coffee shop when I realised. You listened to my personal information without asking too much. I was able to feel comfortable around you talking about my sexuality, which was never the case. When we were there, I felt like a new me – a nicer and better me.”

 _Realised what?_ My heart pounded in my chest. None of this made any sense. Dan was not the sort of person to have a long conversation, never mind about someone else. I always saw him as self-centred. For what I knew, he had next to no observational skills. I looked deep into his eyes, searching for the answer.

I couldn’t speak. All I could do was stop and listen; let him take the lead.

“You’re an amazing person and it hurts when I hear you insult yourself. I know I joke about it, but I could never now think that of you. I only…”

“You only think I’m just a bit stupid and awful.” I felt I had to insult myself one last time. Not for comedic value or hilarity, but to bring me back down to earth. Everything that was just said made me felt like I was at the heights of the heavens, but I needed to remember where I was, and who I was speaking to. The person who I had gained a crush on was complimenting me, and I had to remind myself it was most probably a dream.

“No. _I was going to say_ , I only discovered love recently…” My heart was pounding. “Love for an amazing, funny, creative, beautiful person. Love for you.”

My breathing was rapid. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Nothing made sense in this moment, yet everything made sense. It was as if the worlds aligned, but also as if the universe was about to explode.

“And to be honest,” he added quickly. “I can’t believe you didn’t know till now. It was so obvious.”

Dan closed the gap, taking me within his arms. Our lips touched, and it felt like perfection. It wasn’t passionate and dark like our previous kiss – it was light and loving. It felt different. This kiss felt like it was meant to happen, and as if it had an explanation. It felt like the direct path that our relationship was meant to make, even though I denied it and couldn’t believe it for the entirety of the lead up.

He gently pulled away, taking a deep breath but not removing his hands from my body. His forehead was rested on mine.

“The second kiss,” I whispered, looking at his closed eyes.

Another inhale of breath followed. “And definitely not the last,” he added, smiling.

Relief overcame me. I knew his intentions, and knew that everything over the past couple of months was due to love. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to lead in the way I wanted our relationship to go on.

“I must say, I wouldn’t have been able to pull off a speech to declare my love, well done,” I said, laughing.

Our heads never left each other, but we both laughed with the biggest smiled a person could ever create. Joy radiated around us, creating this magical bubble which no one could break. We were protected by this bubble and by each other – nothing could have broken us.

 


End file.
